The Stupid Need not Apply
Things you should not wear to a job interview:
- A belt buckle that reads: The Boss Sucks.
- Your “I’m too drunk to care” t-shirt.
- That shirt you own that has a mustard stain shaped like Jiminy Cricket.
- That shirt you own that has a ketchup stain shaped like Donald Duck.
- Any shirt, with any stain, shaped like any Disney character.
- That sombrero you’re so proud of.
- Your alligator boots. (This applies if you’re interviewing for a job with Peta.)
- Your lucky pair of pants. They may be lucky, but the hole in the crotch isn’t doing you any favors.
- Your eye patch. Yes, it makes you look dangerous and cool, but don’t.
- Your Omar Moreno wig. Yes, it’s hysterical, but don’t.
Things not to do on a job interview:
- Turn every innocuous statement into a double entendre by responding with the phrase: that’s what she said.
- Bring in Leonard, your pet lizard, because you think the interviewer might enjoy seeing how a lizard can devour an entire rat.
- Bring in Wilbur, your pet wombat, because you think the interviewer might be fascinated by how much a wombat can crap.
- Bad-mouth your previous employer using phrases such as, weasel-faced penis, rat-fink, or tiny brained flea.
- Punctuate the tirade about how unfairly your previous employer treated by saying, “of course, I was stealing from the company to finance my crystal meth habit.”
- Nod toward a picture of your interviewer’s wife, give him a knowing wink and say, “sweet.”
- Don’t lean into your interviewer, carefully study his face, and then say, “a good plastic surgeon could fix that.”
- Don’t try to show your interviewer how clever you are by guessing her age and weight.
- Don’t ask your interviewer if he’s prematurely gray, or just dirt-old.
- Don’t recommend a good wrinkle cream.
- Under no circumstance should you ask your interviewer to “smell this.”
- Don’t do anything the voices in your head tell you to do; they don’t have your best interest in mind.
- Don’t introduce your interviewer to Phineas, your imaginary friend.
- Don’t tell your interviewer that Phineas thinks he smells good.
- Don’t demonstrate your conscientiousness by pointing out that you’re waiting until after the interview to get stoned.
Note: The following is an actual conversation I had with a man who was dropping off his resume at a place where I used to work:
Man: Is there someone here that I can talk to about a job?
Me: The plant manager does the hiring, but he isn’t here today.
Man: So I can’t talk to anyone today?
Man: But I made sure not to get stoned today.
Me: That’s very conscientious of you; I’ll add a note to your resume.
Man: You make sure you do that.
That man wasn’t even considered for a position; does honesty count for nothing anymore?
Things not to put on your resume:
Under other interests:
- Your plot to overthrow the government and replace it with a puppet regime. And the fact that the puppets are Bert and Ernie from Sesame Street.
- Discussing your alien abduction, and various alien probing methods.
- Your collection of shrunken heads.
- Hunting the world’s most dangerous prey: humans.
Note: hunting mimes and shrinking their heads is acceptable…and if you should happen to scrapbook about it…whatever.
- Your swift rise to power as president of the Justin Bieber fan club.
- Finishing at the top of your taxidermy class. (Again, this mostly applies if your interviewing for a job with Peta.)
- Your fluency in Klingon.
- Having been a cast member of any television show with the words “the housewives of” in the title.
Final and key piece of advice:
Just don’t be yourself.