The Stupid Need not Apply
So you need to find a job, but you interview poorly because of the following problems:
You have poor verbal skills; your speech basically consists of a series of grunts and clicks.
You get nervous in pressure filled situations; you sweat profusely, get dizzy, and blackout as you mumble incoherently about your collection of soap carvings.
You are sloppy and ill-mannered; you think Larry the Cable Guy’s a little too uptight.
You make a bad first impression.
You make a bad second impression.
Your third impression is just dreadful.
Your fourth impression is slightly better than your third.
But the fifth time people meet you they snap and attack you with a claw hammer.
You smell funny: like beets and goat urine.
And finally: you’re remarkably stupid.
So in light of these shortcomings, I’m going to aid you in your quest for employment with some helpful hints to get you through that daunting job interview.
Things you should not wear to a job interview:
- A belt buckle that reads: The Boss Sucks.
- Your “I’m too drunk to care” t-shirt.
- That shirt you own that has a mustard stain shaped like Jiminy Cricket.
- That shirt you own that has a ketchup stain shaped like Donald Duck.
- Any shirt, with any stain, shaped like any Disney character.
- That sombrero you’re so proud of.
- Your alligator boots. (This applies if you’re interviewing for a job with Peta.)
- Your lucky pair of pants. They may be lucky, but the hole in the crotch isn’t doing you any favors.
- Your eye patch. Yes, it makes you look dangerous and cool, but don’t.
- Your Omar Moreno wig. Yes, it’s hysterical, but don’t.
Things not to do on a job interview:
- Turn every innocuous statement into a double entendre by responding with the phrase: that’s what she said.
- Bring in Leonard, your pet lizard, because you think the interviewer might enjoy seeing how a lizard can devour an entire rat.
- Bring in Wilbur, your pet wombat, because you think the interviewer might be fascinated by how much a wombat can crap.
- Bad-mouth your previous employer using phrases such as, weasel-faced penis, rat-fink, or tiny brained flea.
- Punctuate the tirade about how unfairly your previous employer treated by saying, “of course, I was stealing from the company to finance my crystal meth habit.”
- Nod toward a picture of your interviewer’s wife, give him a knowing wink and say, “sweet.”
- Don’t lean into your interviewer, carefully study his face, and then say, “a good plastic surgeon could fix that.”
- Don’t try to show your interviewer how clever you are by guessing her age and weight.
- Don’t ask your interviewer if he’s prematurely gray, or just dirt-old.
- Don’t recommend a good wrinkle cream.
- Under no circumstance should you ask your interviewer to “smell this.”
- Don’t do anything the voices in your head tell you to do; they don’t have your best interest in mind.
- Don’t introduce your interviewer to Phineas, your imaginary friend.
- Don’t tell your interviewer that Phineas thinks he smells good.
- Don’t demonstrate your conscientiousness by pointing out that you’re waiting until after the interview to get stoned.
Note: The following is an actual conversation I had with a man who was dropping off his resume at a place where I used to work:
Man: Is there someone here that I can talk to about a job?
Me: The plant manager does the hiring, but he isn’t here today.
Man: So I can’t talk to anyone today?
Man: But I made sure not to get stoned today.
Me: That’s very conscientious of you; I’ll add a note to your resume.
Man: You make sure you do that.
That man wasn’t even considered for a position; does honesty count for nothing anymore?
Things not to put on your resume:
Under other interests:
- Your plot to overthrow the government and replace it with a puppet regime. And the fact that the puppets are Bert and Ernie from Sesame Street.
- Discussing your alien abduction, and various alien probing methods.
- Your collection of shrunken heads.
- Hunting the world’s most dangerous prey: humans.
Note: hunting mimes and shrinking their heads is acceptable…and if you should happen to scrapbook about it…whatever.
- Your swift rise to power as president of the Justin Bieber fan club.
- Finishing at the top of your taxidermy class. (Again, this mostly applies if your interviewing for a job with Peta.)
- Your fluency in Klingon.
- Having been a cast member of any television show with the words “the housewives of” in the title.
Final and key piece of advice:
Just don’t be yourself.