Illegal in 38 states–frowned upon in the rest.

Don’t Swing a Dead Weasel if You’re Not Going to Use It

weasel as weapon

Weasel / Weapon

It is no coincidence that no language in human history has ever coined the phrase: as useful as a dead weasel.

In fact, if you’re on your way to do something and you think to yourself, I could really use a dead weasel for this, you’re probably about to do something that falls somewhere between foolish and a felony. How many times on “Cops” has the arresting officer commented, “this would have merely been foolish, but you were swinging a dead weasel.”

In fact, if you’re on your way to do anything, and you spot a dead animal and think to yourself “it’s my lucky day,” just turn around and go home.

There are certainly a few times when a dead weasel can be useful, but most of those occasions involve hillbilly wedding rituals, or hillbilly wedding dinner options.

Note: your best-man toast should never involve a dead weasel in any capacity, not within the toast itself, and certainly not as a prop. It’s a mistake that will haunt you forever, if the bride doesn’t kill you first.

Which brings me to the point of this post:

A man in Hoquiam, Washington confronted the current boyfriend of an ex-girlfriend.

Generally a bad idea.

He confronted him swinging a dead weasel.

Always a bad idea.

“Why do you have a dead weasel?” the boyfriend asked him.

“It’s not a weasel, it’s a marten,” he replied.

Note: it’s a small distinction but an important one. Ex-boyfriends who display the proclivity to swing dead animals, tend to be very pedantic.

He then punched the boyfriend in the nose and ran off. Begging the question: why in the world would you bother carrying a dead weasel to a confrontation if you’re not going to use it?

He was later tracked down and charged with assault and public stupidity.

When asked why he was carrying a dead weasel, he matter-of-factly replied, “what are you stupid, live weasels bite.”

In a weird twist, the authorities reported that it wasn’t a weasel or a marten, but a mink.

I don’t know if fur is murder, but it’s definitely felony assault.

The man was eventually acquitted. Evidently the prosecutors “failed to prove a link to the mink.” The prosecutors reportedly failed to do several other things that rhyme.

When asked if he had learned any valuable lessons, the man replied, “yeah, if you see something dead on the side of the road, leave it be.”

Perhaps if he had brought his girlfriend a mink when they were together, she wouldn’t have broken-up with him.

The mink had no comment.

weasle jail

I swear, I just wanted to make her a stoll.



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23 thoughts on “Don’t Swing a Dead Weasel if You’re Not Going to Use It

  1. You give the best advice. If I am looking for a weapon, I will not use a weasel.


  2. Ah – a bit of Odd News on a bright & cheerful morning!

    It could have been worse, it could have been a dead skunk. But I agree with you – my dad always taught me not to point a dead weasel at anyone unless you intend to use it.


  3. The day a dead mink has anything but ‘no comment’, I’m outta there. Unless the “comment” is merely the escape of gasses of decomposition… nah, never mind; either way I’m outta there.


  4. This may explain why there are no high school football teams named the Dead Weasels. Not sure about rock bands.


  5. Some humans are so stupid. We KATS know dead raccoons are the weapon of choice.😸

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I have just one question: What’s his phone number? I have some single relatives who would be a perfect match. However they aren’t that familiar with dead weasels. We prefer possum.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I love these… you have true comedic chops! 😀


  8. LOL! Hilarious and much more so with your spin on it. I actually had a relative who was a mink farmer in Olympia Washington. We went to visit them when I was ten and my cousin talked me into getting into the pasture with their goat which butted me up in the air. Boy did she get a good laugh out of that. If only I would have been carrying a dead weasel. I could have really let her have it.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. This reminds me of an old joke:

    How many Rednecks does it take to get dinner?

    Two. One has to look out for traffic. 😀

    Liked by 2 people

  10. “if you see something dead on the side of the road, leave it be.”—You don’t have to tell me twice…

    Liked by 1 person

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