Don’t Swing a Dead Weasel if You’re Not Going to Use It
It is no coincidence that no language in human history has ever coined the phrase: as useful as a dead weasel.
In fact, if you’re on your way to do something and you think to yourself, I could really use a dead weasel for this, you’re probably about to do something that falls somewhere between foolish and a felony. How many times on “Cops” has the arresting officer commented, “this would have merely been foolish, but you were swinging a dead weasel.”
In fact, if you’re on your way to do anything, and you spot a dead animal and think to yourself “it’s my lucky day,” just turn around and go home.
There are certainly a few times when a dead weasel can be useful, but most of those occasions involve hillbilly wedding rituals, or hillbilly wedding dinner options.
Note: your best-man toast should never involve a dead weasel in any capacity, not within the toast itself, and certainly not as a prop. It’s a mistake that will haunt you forever, if the bride doesn’t kill you first.
Which brings me to the point of this post:
A man in Hoquiam, Washington confronted the current boyfriend of an ex-girlfriend.
Generally a bad idea.
He confronted him swinging a dead weasel.
Always a bad idea.
“Why do you have a dead weasel?” the boyfriend asked him.
“It’s not a weasel, it’s a marten,” he replied.
Note: it’s a small distinction but an important one. Ex-boyfriends who display the proclivity to swing dead animals, tend to be very pedantic.
He then punched the boyfriend in the nose and ran off. Begging the question: why in the world would you bother carrying a dead weasel to a confrontation if you’re not going to use it?
He was later tracked down and charged with assault and public stupidity.
When asked why he was carrying a dead weasel, he matter-of-factly replied, “what are you stupid, live weasels bite.”
In a weird twist, the authorities reported that it wasn’t a weasel or a marten, but a mink.
I don’t know if fur is murder, but it’s definitely felony assault.
The man was eventually acquitted. Evidently the prosecutors “failed to prove a link to the mink.” The prosecutors reportedly failed to do several other things that rhyme.
When asked if he had learned any valuable lessons, the man replied, “yeah, if you see something dead on the side of the road, leave it be.”
Perhaps if he had brought his girlfriend a mink when they were together, she wouldn’t have broken-up with him.
The mink had no comment.