The blog that prevents scurvy…as long as you eat orange slices while you read it.

Thanksgiving With the Family: The Aftermath

breaking bad Thanksgiving.

That seems about right.

Did you have a good Thanksgiving with the family?

Of course you didn’t; you had it with the family.

The phrase “with the family” is equivalent to the phrase “while being tortured sadistically.”

Let’s try it out: Did you have a good Thanksgiving while being tortured sadistically? See how the words are different, but their meaning hasn’t changed.

Are you nursing a headache today because getting through Thanksgiving with the family means more Wild Turkey than actual turkey?

Wild Turkey

Wild Turkey: helping you survive family get-togethers since 1869.

Did your crazy uncle pull out his pictures of what he claims to be a Bigfoot, but what looks suspiciously like the stump in his backyard.

Did your vegan cousin punctuate the Thanksgiving Day prayer by loudly proclaiming that meat is murder?

Did your aunt then correct your vegan cousin by informing her that this year’s Thanksgiving dinner was roadkill, and therefore its death was clearly an accident. (It may have been opossum; nobody was quite sure. Your uncle was really drunk when he hit it.)

Wild Turkey

Wild Turkey: helping provide your Thanksgiving dinner since 1869.

Did your crazy uncle once again regale you with story of how he once shot a unicorn, but by the time he got to it, it had turned back into his neighbor’s goat?

Did your cousin, the serial dater, arrive with a man who was a definite upgrade from previous years: he did have a face tattoo and prosthetic fangs, but at least he didn’t have a hook for a hand?

Did an argument break out over whether the term inbred is pejorative?

Did the argument rapidly escalate when somebody looked up the word pejorative?

Did the argument result in multiple stabbings, limited gun-play, and one injury from a crossbow?

Do you now have a wound on your forehead that you will describe in the future as the scar of Thanksgiving 2017?

Did your aunt, the mean one, bring her infamous three bean salad?

Did the three bean salad taste like a monkey had peed on a pile of death?

Did everyone suffer through the three bean salad because they’re too afraid of her to comment?

Note: Among your aunts, being labeled as “the mean one” is a bit like being labeled as “the racist Nazi.”

Did your drunken uncle attempt to carve the turkey (or opossum, groundhog, warthog, whatever) and sever his pinky finger…again?

Did your uncle, the volunteer fireman who thinks he’s a doctor because he’s had first aid training, attempt to reattach the finger using liquor as an antiseptic and fishing line as sutures?

Was the phrase, “I’ve never seen so much blood” uttered multiple times during the procedure?

Wild Turkey

Wild Turkey: aiding your family with ill-advised medical procedures since 1869.

Did you promise yourself that you would never again step into this unholy cacophony?

Well, at least not until Christmas, or you’ve procured holy water and a crucifix.

Single Post Navigation

24 thoughts on “Thanksgiving With the Family: The Aftermath

  1. Reblogged this on The Papist Squirrel and commented:
    We all have these kind of holidays, next time bring the Wild


  2. Got a bit of the Monty python gene going I see… Good satire.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA😺😺😸😸😸😺😸😺😸😺😸😸😸😸! Dude- where do you hide at our family gatherings??? Hehehehe!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Amazing!!! Reading this post made my day! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. My family is great fun. Unfortunately, we always spend it with my husband’s family. Including a bird-loving vegan. Good times, good times …

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Reblogged this on makeaneffort and commented:


  7. The Holidays always bring out the Best of the Worst People.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I am glad, in Germany it is ONLY Christmas, that is the family-horror … that is bad enough. Ok, let’s be honest – we may not celebrate Thanksgiving big style – but there is always Easter to fear!


  9. We had a good Thanksgiving this year (last month, since we’re Canajen, eh?) Any Wild Turkey consumed was recreational, not medicinal.


  10. I was always told that the turkey committed suicide.


  11. I hope Turkey Day weas a good one for you, idiot!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: