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Illegal in 38 states–frowned upon in the rest.

Lady Bigfoot Responds to allegation of Floppy Breasts

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Lady Bigfoot: upset about the allegation of floppy breasts.

In a recent post, A Case of Delusion?, I shared a few tips from the Facebook page of a group devoted to Bigfoot hunting. The page’s creator, John Reed, related the following tips if you should happen to find yourself face to face with a Sasquatch:

“bigfoot tip #1 when being chased by a sasquatch run up hill if its a male .. they have an extended forehead so they have to stop offten to look up.” He adds, “if its a female run down hill they have no bras so they got big ole lady boobs and when running downhill they flop about and they have to stop to plop them over their shoulders…..”

So the first time I read this, I had a number of thoughts:

  1. Yikes.
  2. Doesn’t Facebook have spell check?
  3. Yikes again.
  4. Judging by the contents of the Facebook page, this guy probably hasn’t been anywhere near female breasts of any type, for quite some time.
  5. Seriously, yikes.
  6. Shouldn’t you actually find a Bigfoot before you worry about being chased by one?
  7. I cannot overstate this: yikes.
  8. I wonder what a Lady Bigfoot would think about this?

The verdict is in: Lady Bigfoot is pissed. She is so upset, she is setting aside her reclusive nature, to come forward and address the comments made on the Facebook page. In an Idiotprufs exclusive, she has agreed to sit down with me to discuss it.

Idiotprufs: So, what are your thoughts on the tips John Reed gave his Facebook followers?

Lady Bigfoot: First, of course I don’t have a bra. Where would I get a bra?

Idiotprufs: From a clothesline?

Lady Bigfoot: Do I look like a thief to you?

Idiotprufs: No ma’am.

Lady Bigfoot: What do you think would happen if were to stroll into Victoria’s Secret looking for a bra?

Idiotprufs: I don’t know.

Lady Bigfoot: People would panic. People would scream and run away. Hysterical women would call me a monster, and blast me in the face with pepper spray. Men with tranquilizer guns would show up and put me down like I was a lowly bear. They would lock me in a cage, and poke and prod at me. That’s what would happen.

Idiotprufs: Wow, that is eerily similar to my experience at Victoria’s Secret, but for completely different reasons.

Lady Bigfoot: (Glares at me.)

Idiotprufs: Sorry, continue.

Lady Bigfoot: Second, these breasts don’t need a bra; they are plenty firm. Go ahead and feel them.

Idiotprufs: Oh I don’t think that’s a good idea.

Lady Bigfoot: Really I insist.

Idiotprufs: I don’t think I…

Lady Bigfoot: Feel my breasts or I will rip your arms off, and beat you to death with them!

Idiotprufs: Yes ma’am.

Lady Bigfoot: What do you think?

Idiotprufs: I think this is the most uncomfortable moment of my life.

Lady Bigfoot: (Growls at me)

Idiotprufs: They are very firm. They’re more hairy than I’m used to…but sadly not by much.

Lady Bigfoot: You let your millions of viewers know the truth about my breasts.

Idiotprufs: Millions of viewers?

Lady Bigfoot: You’re Maury Povich aren’t you?

Idiotprufs: Uhsure why not.

Lady Bigfoot: I have to get home; Bigfoot will be waiting for supper, and those grubs and berries won’t gather themselves.

Idiotprufs: That sounds nice.

Lady Bigfoot: It’s not nice; grubs are disgusting. Unfortunately it’s impossible to a get a pizza delivered to your home when your address reads: behind a rock in the woods.

Idiotprufs: I’m sorry. Thank you for your time.

Lady Bigfoot: It was my pleasure…idiot.

As you can see John Reed’s tips are simply ridiculous; if a female Bigfoot is chasing you, just compliment her breasts.

Maury Povich, bigfoot, boobs,

Maury may have never done a show about Lady Bigfoot boobs, but it’s right in his wheelhouse.

 

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25 thoughts on “Lady Bigfoot Responds to allegation of Floppy Breasts

  1. That’s just to Frigging funny!! LMAO !!!

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  2. I must remember to keep some film in my old 35 mm camera. I think it’s 35. Whatever. Here in Miami the Everglades is just 20 miles west. I think they are hairy because of the mosquitoes.

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  3. Hahaha HAHA!!!!!! (that is all)

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  4. Grubs do sound disgusting, but those Bigfoot hunters probably have plenty of meat on their bones. And they are really easy to catch, too: just put Lady Bigfoot on the top of the hill, and have Mr. Bigfoot find a hunter and start chasing it.

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  5. You are a funny writer. This shows your usual gifts. But am I the ONLY woman who is going to speak up and say that “humor” about women’s floppy breasts should have gone out in the 1950’s along with jokes said by whites in “negro dialect”? Women may make jokes about this topic among ourselves, just like blacks may use the n-word among themselves. But male-type dudes? Please: No more.

    No big offense taken where none was intended. Love your writing, and did manage to enjoy this post by putting on my Susie Homemaker dress and heels, and ironing while reading it : )

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  6. Hahahahah brilliant interview!

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  7. Ha! You crack me up.

    Men can be quite amusing sometimes, but even I doubt their ability to be confronted by Bigfoot and the first thought they have is, “Dude, check out her breasts!” Nope, this is one of those times I suspect men would be quite capable of keeping their eyes on……the forest floor while they flee in terror.

    I’m pretty sure survival trumps all sexuality, although judging from some relationships I’ve seen, it is always possible I’m wrong…

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  8. You better hope Bigfoot can’t read…

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  9. I went camping once, got real drunk and Lady Bigfoot started looking REAL good to me….

    Yikes!

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  10. You’ll be in for some strange dreams after this interview…

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