Spring 2014: More Mooning Garden Gnomes.
The signs of spring are all around you:
- The temperature has warmed.
- The sound of birds chirping in the morning has replaced the sound of snow blowers and the guy across the street complaining bitterly as he scrapes the ice from his car.
- And the sound of his cursing as another ice-scraper breaks off in his hand and he yells, “that’s it, I’m leaving this God forsaken weather and I’m going to Texas,” as shakes his fist at the sky.
- Soon to replaced by his cursing as he scrapes bird crap from his windshield as he shakes his fist at the sky.
- The final remnants of where Gerald the neighbor kid, wrote insults to you in the snow with his pee, are finally melting away. That kid has a vivid imagination and a huge bladder.
- Your neighbor will begin work on his annual garden. In the coming months, he will regale you with baskets of fresh vegetables. He will explain to you that his garden has produced so overwhelmingly, that his own family couldn’t possibly consume all the bounty themselves. Smug Jerk.
- Your other neighbor has once again placed a mooning garden gnome, Willard #6, facing your kitchen window.
A quick recap of the history of the Willards
- Willard met an untimely demise at the hands of a maniac with a shovel.
- Willard #2 was also smashed with a shovel.
- Willard #3 was backed over by a car and smashed with a shovel.
- Willard #4 was hit with a brick, peed on, and smashed with a shovel.
- Upon swearing to your neighbor and the local authorities, that you had nothing to do with the dispatching of the previous Willards, and under no circumstance would you attack an innocent garden gnome with a shovel, Willard #5 took his proper place facing your kitchen window.
- Willard #5 was smashed with a hammer.
- Willard #6 now stands proudly baring his buttocks toward your kitchen window. He is protected by flood lights and a security camera…for now.
You begin to make preparations for Spring yourself:
- You drain and fill in the moat you dug the previous Spring. Gerald the neighbor kid, took swimming lessons over the Winter, and the cold weather killed all the piranha anyway.
- You plant a vegetable garden of your own, regardless of the fact that your touch seems to destroy life.
- You take down the sign that some smart aleck placed by your garden that read: Potter’s Field.
- The local nursery places a picture of you on the their wall labeled: The Grim Reaper.
- Gerald the neighbor kid mockingly asks you what kind of plants you plan to kill this year.
- You look into the purchase of an electrified fence.
- Your gardening neighbor assures you he’ll have plenty of extra vegetables to give you, after your garden has shriveled up and blown away like blades of grass in the Sahara Desert. “I’ll give you some tomatoes, zucchini, squash, maybe even a few cukes,” he tells you.
- You try to think of a clever response, but you’re not clever.
- “You’re a cuke,” you finally yell, long after your neighbor has left.
- You focus on growing the only things that seem to flourish under your care: weeds.
- Your plot of weeds thrives, especially the prickly weeds.
- Your home is raided by the DEA after they receive an anonymous tip about you “growing weed.” They find nothing illegal, but your precious weeds are trampled.
- You buy a rifle. You know who the anonymous tipster was, and it’s time for Willard #6 to pay.
Note: oddly, Sea-Monkeys also do well under your care.