Illegal in 38 states–frowned upon in the rest.

It Sucks to be a Lab Rat

lab rat idiotprufs cancer

So awhile ago I was informed that French fries cause cancer in lab rats. I found this to be upsetting for a number of reasons:

  1. I like French fries.
  2. Many of my close friends like French fries.
  3. A number of those close Friends are lab rats.
  4. Virtually all of my lab rat friends frequently enjoy French fries.
  5. The snarky little man that informed of this, just as I was preparing to enjoy an order of French fries, suffered an immediate injury that has caused me great distress.

Note: in an unrelated matter, I have always felt there should be occasions when it’s legal to stab a person in the side of the head with a plastic fork. Unfortunately the law is far less progressive in it’s thinking than I am. Let’s get on this, Congress.

I decided to check this out for myself. It turns out the weird little man was right, a weird little bit. A substance called acrylamide, which is found in fried foods, has been used to induce cancer in lab rats.

Here’s the twist: to ingest the same amount of acrylamide that was injected into these lab rats, you would have to eat 346 large orders of McDonald’s fries everyday. Let’s be honest, if you eat 346 large orders of large McDonald’s fries everyday, you have a slew of problems that require immediate professional attention, long before an oncologist gets anywhere near you.

It also seems that these lab rats are bred to be susceptible to cancer. Something as slight as a simple change of diet can induce cancer in these rats. That’s just cheating.

Note: It sucks to be a lab rat.

It has also been discovered that every time a potato farmer in Idaho named Earl, utters the word crap-shack, lab rats in Sweden immediately develop cancerous growths. The day he fell off his tractor and broke his tailbone, every lab rat in Sweden ballooned to the size of a cantaloupe.

Here are a few things used to induce cancer in lab rats:

  • sugar
  • caffeine
  • salt
  • nicotine
  • alcohol
  • radon
  • plutonium
  • radium
  • yellow cake uranium
  • yellow cake with frosting
  • strawberry shortcake
  • Strawberry Shortcake the doll
  • Guys and Dolls the musical
  • Cats the musical
  • cats
  • dogs
  • pink flamingos
  • pink the color
  • Pink the singer
  • Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon
  • Floyd the barber
  • barber shop quartets
  • Donald Trump’s hair
  • Jersey Shore reruns
  • Pauly Shore reruns
  • Pauly Shore movies
  • Bob Costas’ glowing red eyes
  • The word okie-dokie
  • potato farmers named Earl
  • everything

So the next time you think about telling me that French fries cause cancer in lab rats–pending action from Congress–you might just get stabbed in the side of the head with a plastic fork.

Correction: Jersey Shore reruns do not cause cancer in lab rats; they kill them outright.


“Hey, you can’t pin cancer on me. High cholesterol: maybe. Obesity: yes. But not cancer.”


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26 thoughts on “It Sucks to be a Lab Rat

  1. Over this side of the pond we call those deep fried strips of potato “chips”. My hubby would like them with every meal. I think he’s turning into a lab rat before my very eyes!


  2. I love fries too and I don’t eat other fried foods. Something about those things. Especially McDonald’s fries.


  3. I’m severely traumatized by the gratuitous Ronald McDonald photo. Now I have to go eat french fries.


  4. Eventually those rats are going to develop immunities to everything we pump into them, creating an unstoppable super ‘Rat Race.’


  5. It would be a shorter list if you listed things that don’t cause cancer in lab rats. Also, loved the Jersey Shore shot at the end. Well played.


  6. I love your satire! Great job! The main impression that I’ve gotten from all these stories about things that cause cancer is this: Cancer is a thing, and it can kill you.

    To avoid getting cancer, don’t be exposed to anything, ever. Also, don’t have cells.

    In other news, I think we should all write strongly worded letters to our Congressmen regarding the plastic fork issue.


  7. Dude. You made the human (who incidentally plans to make home made French fries today) – laugh hysterically and now she’s jiggling and disturbing my nap on her Lap! Thanks Dude.

    *(tail flap)*


  8. That’s one thing people often don’t realize–how much of the substance a person would have to consume to see the same effects as rats (they give the rats ginormous doses). That’s why we have to take everything with a grain of salt. Except “Donald Trump’s hair” which you wisely included in your list. The slightest sighting of that mess can trigger ill effects at the cellular level.


  9. I’m starting to get the feeling you really don’t like Jersey Shore.


  10. Reblogged this on makeaneffort and commented:
    As far as I’m concerned I will continue to Butter my Doughnuts… which does not cause cancer in Lab Rats.


  11. Now that you have covered my favorite Pinks, I’m distressed!


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