Some of Tom Cruise’s Other Responsibilities
What? You have aliens in your body. I’m on it.
In the new book, “Going Clear: Scientology, Hollywood & The Prison of Belief.” Lawrence Wright details Tom Cruise’s involvement in The Church of Scientology and the ultimate responsibility of both: protect humanity from the aliens living in our bodies, who are bent on destroying us and ultimately the planet.
It’s about time somebody got on this. I don’t know how many sleepless nights I’ve spent tossing and turning, fretting over the aliens living in our bodies, who are bent on destroying us and ultimately the planet.
Now that I know Tom’s on the case, I can allay these alien fears, because I know that once Tom Cruise starts something, he will see it through to the end, just ask his wife Mimi Rogers.
Sorry. Just ask his wife Nicole Kidman.
Again, sorry. Just ask his wife Katie Holmes.
Really? They seemed so happy.
Katie Holmes runs 26.2 miles: ITS THE FARTHEST SHE’S GOTTEN YET!
Note: When I write that I’m no longer fretting over the alien living in my body, I’m not referring to the tapeworm, I’ve named him Henry, and he still bothers me.
Anyway, I am now freed to focus on some other wildly delusional phobias that I’ve been ignoring for far to long.
- I fear that bio-terrorists have been working on an insidious virus that will turn half the population into mimes. It will cause the second half of the population to become emotionally unstable and distraught to the point of suicidal thoughts, mostly because the first half of the population are mimes.
- I fear that garden gnomes are evil creatures that rest dormant during the day, scheming and plotting against me. They come life at night to carry out their nefarious garden gnome plans. Their evil plans consist mostly of getting drunk on Iron City Beer and peeing on the side of my house. I hate them.
Iron City Beer goes straight through you.
- I fear that my neighbor won’t see it my way when he finds all of his garden gnomes smashed with a shovel.
- I fear the Amish Mafia: it’s some of the scariest fiction on television.
- I fear that the cast of Jersey Shore will move into the house next to me. And they’ll bring garden gnomes.
- I still fear that a roving horde of screeching Brazilian stink monkeys will break into my home and handle all my possessions with their filthy stink monkey paws. I fear they will rub all my possessions over their filthy stink monkey bodies and return them to their place of origin, leaving only a lingering stench and an occassional stray hair as evidence of their activity.
- I fear that Tom Cruise will never find true happiness. I hope Church of Scientology does a better job in choosing his next wife; she’s probably currently starring on the Disney Channel.
Maybe once Tom gets this aliens in our bodies thing sorted out, he can tackle some of the aforementioned problems, Jack Reacher would get it done.
Henry loves Buffalo wings.
idiotpruf 
Was just wonderin’ if you could pass on my info to Henry. Sounds like he’d be fun to hang out wid’. (uh…guess you’re invited, too…)
LikeLike
Henry’s up for anything.
LikeLike
AnElephantCant help thinking
Your view on gnomes is not a delusional phobia
But he has a solution
Stop their revolution
By making sure the little pointy-heads get no beer
LikeLike
I think they drink moonshine.
LikeLike
…wait, there are aliens inside our bodies? Well, I’m off to grab a beer, then. I didn’t realize I was supposed to be drinking for two.
LikeLike
My alien likes Natural Light, it’s a disaster.
LikeLike
You have my sincere sympathy.
LikeLike
The cast of Jersey Shore is more frightening than peeing gnomes and aliens inside our bodies. I’m scared that they will spawn an entire generation of idiots trying to emulate them. Wait…
LikeLike
I’m not certain that Snooki isn’t a garden gnome.
LikeLike
She’s a gargantuan gnome, yes. That’s why she frightens me so.
LikeLike
You must have some major therapy bills with all those fears.
As for Tom Cruise, well, what can I say that hasn’t already been said?…
LikeLike
No therapy just self-medication.
LikeLike
Garden gnomes are doing exactly that.
Katie needs to look into some support garments.
LikeLike
Haha–I thought the same thing about Katie! Thanks for giving me a good laugh. Both you AND idiot-pruf.
LikeLike
OMG. I noticed the same thing too. Shallow. Shallow. Shallow. Oh well, she’s rich. Can’t she buy a sports bra?
LikeLike
I’m not sure how I feel that the most memorable part of the post is Katie’s floppy boobs.
LikeLike
I know. It’s depressing. I’ve depressed myself for being part of that! Pictures do draw people in more than text…I enjoyed reading your post tho!
LikeLike
I seem to be the only person not to notice.
LikeLike
I hadn’t noticed Katie’s condition, she’s a long way from Dawson’s Creek.
LikeLike