Illegal in 38 states–frowned upon in the rest.

Unicorns and Other Scientific Discoveries.

Archeologists from the Academy of Social Services of North Korea’s History Institute have made an important discovery: they have discovered a unicorn lair. The report says that they have “reconfirmed” the presence of the lair. Apparently the ancient Korean King Tongmyong, rode a unicorn.

An artist's rendition of the king's unicorn. His name was sparkle; he hated his name.image source:

An artist’s rendition of the king’s unicorn. His name was sparkle; he hated his name.
image source:

Why is this the first time I’m hearing about this? There was nothing about a unicorn riding, ancient North Korean king, in any history book that I ever read. You can’t turn around without seeing that Gangnam Style idiot jumping around North Korea, but nothing about a unicorn riding king.

An artist's rendition of that Gangnam Style idiot. He name isn't Sparkle; it should be.image source:

An artist’s rendition of that Gangnam Style idiot. His name isn’t Sparkle, but it should be.
image source:

As it turns out, this wasn’t the only bizarre revelation uncovered by North Korean scientists:

  • Unicorns are not only real, but they’re always griping about how that Rainbow Brite unicorn is such a sissy.
  • It’s not just a movie; Abraham Lincoln really was a vampire hunter.
  • Trix aren’t for kids; they really are for rabbits.
  • Lucky Charms cereal isn’t magically delicious; it’s just bits of marshmallow candy mixed in with crappy cereal, so that kids will eat it.
  • The Lucky Charms leprechaun isn’t Irish at all; his accent is fake and he hails from New Jersey.
  • Snooki is a leprechaun.
  • If you catch a leprechaun you don’t get a pot of gold; you just get some pot.
  • Jerry Garcia isn’t dead: he’s just really stoned.
  • Mick Jagger has been dead for years; nobody has bothered to tell him.
  • Ditto Keith Richards.
  • Fidel Castro was one of the original members of The Beatles. He remained bitter for  years; all official dartboards in Cuba have Ringo Starr’s face on them.
  • Despite the moniker, Bigfoot’s feet are tiny.
  • Bigfoot hates that famous picture of himself; he thinks it makes him look fat.
Bigfoot: a victim of the freshman 15 and a poor camera angle.
image source: Wikipedia
  • Wile E. Coyote caught the Roadrunner years ago.  He was served in an orange sauce, over rice, with sautéed spinach on the side.
  • The chicken came before the egg, but Madonna came long before either one of them.
  • Joan Rivers is a ghost.
  • The Great Wall of China was built by a guy just trying to keep the neighbor’s dog out of his yard.
  • Trolls don’t live under bridges; they live in Erie, Pennsylvania.
  • The Mars Rover did find life on Mars. It was a weird little dude named Marvin.
You make me very angry.
image source: Wikipedia
  • The Onion was right: Kim Jong Un is the sexiest man alive.
Where's my unicorn?image source:

Where’s my unicorn?
image source:

Isn’t that the face of man who needs to have his own unicorn?


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21 thoughts on “Unicorns and Other Scientific Discoveries.

  1. I don’t think Erie has cornered the market on trolls. We have a large troll population here…


  2. I have been reading The Daily News for nearly 15 years and have never heard of “the freshman 15”.


  3. Yikes, that picture looks like he recently rode a unicorn. Pointy end first.


  4. Everyone does but him.


  5. These revelations are shocking and astounding…except the one about Mick Jagger…I knew that one already.


  6. The news of the roadrunner has saddened me. I was really rooting for him…to be MY dinner.


  7. Of course unicorns are only in North Korea…I mean it’s SO nice there.


  8. Unicorn? Oh big deal. Most American politicians have been riding jackasses since the founding of the republic. Or are the jackasses riding them ?


  9. He’s been looking pale for last several decades.


  10. “Mick Jagger has been dead for years; nobody has bothered to tell him.”—I knew it!


  11. Just another shining example to prove that North Korea really is the Land of Enchantment. Not much food, but lots of enchantment. But it does seem odd it took those archeologists so long to locate it. According to the official state news report, “the lair is located 200 meters from the Yongmyong Temple in Moran Hill in Pyongyang City. A rectangular rock carved with the words ‘Unicorn Lair’ stands in front of the lair.” Must not have been a neon rock.


  12. I just KNEW unicorns were real. Take that, naysayers.


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