idiotprufs

Illegal in 38 states–frowned upon in the rest.

Klutzy or Unlucky: the Numbers Don’t Lie.

Which number is higher: the amount of times you have inadvertently set off someone’s smoke alarm, or the amount of times you have been crapped on by a bird?

I know those things seem random, but there is a point.

As a small child I decided that it would be the height of scientific experimentation, to melt Play-Doh in frying pan. My mother disagreed in the strongest terms possible.

My ticket to scientific discovery.
image source: dgisbent.blogspot.com

I found out a few things that day:

  • Play-Doh doesn’t melt as much as it burns.
  • Burning Play-Doh gives off a nasty smelling smoke.
  • Smoke from burning Play-Doh, will set off a smoke alarm.
  • Smoke alarms are loud.
  • A screaming mother, upon finding you melting Play-Doh on the stove, is really loud.
  • What you see as great scientific discovery, your mother sees as destroying her good pan.
  • Stoves are dangerous to a small child.
  • Ruining your mother’s favorite pan, is really dangerous to a small child.
  • The question “what were you thinking?” is rhetorical, and should by no means be answered.
  • The Nobel Prize committee is horribly short-sighted.

What I thought would happen.
image source: zimbio.com

That was the first time I set off someone’s smoke alarm.

The second time, I detailed in my post An Act of God?

The third time, I was starting a fire in a friend’s fireplace. (This time was not my fault, but that’s an entire story unto itself.)

How many times I set off someone’s smoke alarm: three.

When I was about ten years old, I was playing tag with some of my cousins in my grandfather’s hay loft. I felt a slap on my back, but when I turned around, there was nobody behind me. I thought this was weird until someone pointed out to me-in between fits of hysterical laughter-that there was a giant load of bird crap on my back of my jacket.

That was the first time a bird crapped on me.

The second time a bird crapped on me, I was playing baseball and the bird crap actually landed in my baseball glove.

The third a bird crapped on me, I was walking down the street, and it landed on my shoulder.

The fourth a bird crapped on me, it landed on my baseball cap. I don’t remember where I was; what I do remember, is it hanging from the bill of my cap.

How many times a bird had crapped on me: four.

By a ratio of 4:3 I’m more unlucky than I am klutzy. (Don’t laugh, it’s science.)

This formula was created by a group of highly regarded scientists who had nothing better to do. They’re the same scientists that McDonalds employed to keep the hot side hot and the cold side cold; they’re that good.

Their work is this impressive.
image source: sweettaterblog.com

Do the math for yourself; you’ll see that I’m right.

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16 thoughts on “Klutzy or Unlucky: the Numbers Don’t Lie.

  1. A full 50% of your bird crap incidents came whilst participating in the game of baseball …. This is precisely why I am a football fan. And as for smoke alarms, what value is a smoke alarm unless you know what it sounds like – it should be set off regularly so, in an emergency, you know what to listen for? Flames themselves can be interpreted in so many ways, but a screaming smoke alarm says evacuate.

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  2. Hahaha I love this. Glad you’re using your unfortunate experiences to entertain. When I set off my smoke alarm, I was making what I thought was to be the most delicious and perfectly-textured cheesecake in the history of delicacies. However, I accidentally pushed “broil” instead of “bake,” and opened the oven door a few minutes late to see flames and smoke. My poor creation.

    My cooking skills have fortunately improved since then.

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  3. I thought being crapped on by a bird was a sign of good luck?

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  4. By this measurement system, I’m probably the luckiest person in the world. I’ve never been dumped on by a bird, but twice I’ve been right beside the person who was… and one of them was seagull poop – possibly the largest, nastiest splatter I’ve ever seen.

    Smoke alarms, on the other hand, are my nemesis. I’ve set them off with smoke, sawdust, and even just by opening the bathroom door after a hot shower. However, the two times my house actually was in danger of burning down, the smoke alarms didn’t go off. Go figure…

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  5. I’ve only once set off a fire alarm, but it was in a block of flats, late evening on Valentine’s Day, so the amount of interrupted sex in the building probably counts extra.

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  6. I, too, have been pooped on by a lot of birds, including at an animal show at Disney. Twice. In the same show. Is there something in our chemistry, perhaps? But I have yet to set off someone’s smoke alarm, so I guess there’s that.

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  7. I’ve had many smoke alarms go off! Interesting thing to measure. Enjoyed it!

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