Read by four out of five drunken monkeys–written by the fifth.

I’m glad you’re a vegan, now leave me alone so I can finish my steak.

It turns out that I’m a soulless monster. My children are doomed to be soulless monsters. My children’s children are doomed to be soulless monsters. In fact, all of my descendants have a bleak future ahead of them.

It seems that I’m destined to be the progenitor of race of zombie-like creatures that aimlessly wander the Earth in a soul deprived state. (I don’t actually have any children yet and I’m seriously doubting if I should; who wants a bunch of soulless monsters running around the house?)

I’m also a savage, a butcher and a fiend.

All of this was pointed out to me by a woman who was quite certain that I was pure evil.

What did I do to incur such condemnation and wrath? I ate a cheeseburger. I didn’t eat a cheeseburger while robbing a bank or strangling a puppy. I just ate a cheeseburger.

She found this to be a vile and contemptible act and she let know how she felt.

There’s a point here that I need to make as clearly as possible:

If you’re a vegetarian, I’m fine with it. You can be a vegan, I’m fine with that too. If you eat nothing but pinecones and moss, I don’t care. Your diet can consist solely of gnawing the heads off live herring, a little gross but that’s your choice.

After absorbing a ten minute rant at my expense, I watched in disbelief as this woman got up to leave and put on a leather jacket. I’m not making this up, it was genuine “dead animal hide” leather. Evidently it’s fine to kill an animal if it makes you look like The Fonz.

If you want to wear leather, go right ahead, but please leave me and my cheeseburger alone.

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8 thoughts on “I’m glad you’re a vegan, now leave me alone so I can finish my steak.

  1. Oh boy, she wouldn’t want to be caught at Five Guys and a Burger with my kids. Talk about vampires feeding. I’m not a red meat eater, but it’s some twisted fun watching a teenager’s metabolism have at that fare.

    I think you dodged a bullet with that one, Fonzie.


  2. I too am a carnivore and am thankful for the lives sacrificed so I can live – good ol’ circle of life kind of thing. I don’t know if you seen it but the documentary Fathead is great support for the meat eater cause lol.


  3. Hey again man.

    Here you go again ripping on not just one of the things I consider sacred, but two. Two within the course of one short post.

    I have four little “soulless monsters” running around my house and you have managed to insult all of them. You have inferred that this is a negative condition. “Who wants a bunch of soulless monsters ‘running around the house’?” You said, unashamedly.

    Further, my mother, yes, the very womb from which I came and the owner of the very calloused hands which slapped me along the path to righteousness, was a living self-contradiction.

    You need sensitivity counseling, bro.


  4. Cheeseburger Cheeseburger on said:

    Hey…is this still active? I just got railed by a vegan….then I found this when I searched on google for ‘vegans should leave me alone’
    But I ate bacon ON a cheesebuge so I wonder whether it was mixing dead mammals that was even more offensive. This was a group of women. Did not see their shoes but their handbags were leather. I said nothing but my and my researcher friends (we are all cancer research professors) had a good laight afterwards.


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