I know I’ve touched on the subject of checkout line etiquette on more than one occasion.
And I know what you’re thinking: why are you beating a dead horse?
It’s been dead.
Just stop it.
You’re embarrassing yourself.
Would you beat Seabiscuit?
Seabiscuit’s a dead horse.
Seabiscuit was an underdog that overcame adversity.
Seabiscuit’s story was inspirational and heartwarming.
How dare you.
I’d wager that you didn’t even cry at the end of the Old Yeller.
Are you made of stone?
Old Yeller was a faithful and trusted companion.
Anyway, recent events have led me to believe that I need to revisit the subject of checkout line etiquette. First generally and then specifically.
Just a few thing you shouldn’t do in a check-out line, generally:
- Haggle over the validity of a ten cent coupon for meatless vegan sausage. I mean what’s the point, it’s just awful. Go put it back on the shelf and calmly leave the store.
- Suddenly realize, moments after the cashier has rung up your total, that you’ve forgotten something vital; something that you absolutely mustn’t leave the store without or your wife will give you that “how useless are you” speech. Retreat to the back of the store to retrieve the overlooked item. Take an eternity because you have trouble locating the item. Return fifteen minutes later with your item and an apologetic grin. (If the item you return with is meatless vegan sausage, you will be beaten sadistically.)
- Try to pay with a personal check if don’t have any identification. How long have you been alive on this planet?
- Try to pay with cash only to find you’re a little bit short. Then instead of putting something back (because everything you’re getting is absolutely vital, even the meatless vegan sausage) you rummage through all your jacket pockets to find that all you have are some loose Tic Tacs and an assortment of Canadian coins. (Obviously if you’re in Canada this is not a problem; Tic Tacs are widely used as currency there.)
- Juggle running chain saws.
- Lick the face of the person next to you and scream, “I have Ebola.”
- Get in the express line with a cart full of items. Then lick the face of the person next to you and scream, “I have Ebola.”
- Mime. (Miming should never be done anywhere for any reason.)
- Loudly sing Justin Bieber songs.
- Quietly sing Justin Bieber songs.
- Be Justin Bieber.
- Punch a mime in the face. (Sorry. This one’s acceptable and sometimes necessary.)
And now, something you shouldn’t do in a check-out line, specifically:
Don’t wait until you’ve been completely checked out, and all your items bagged, to start a personal conversation with the cashier.
We don’t care that your gout has been acting up.
We don’t care that your child’s soccer coach won’t put him in the game. Your kid sucks-deal with it.
We don’t care that your niece is in a loveless marriage. She shouldn’t have married her second cousin; we know it’s legal, but still.
We don’t care that your gynecologist was arrested. He should have never been in that opium den to begin with. Do you really want a gynecologist who frequents opium dens anyway.
But mostly, we couldn’t give a rodent’s behind who you think should have been eliminated from Dancing With The Stars. There was a brief fleeting moment when we cared, but that was just a mass hallucination, and it passed.
If you believe the people in your general sphere of being, so desperately need to know your opinion, then call them later. Text them. Instant message them. Hell, open up your kitchen window and scream as loudly as you can in their general direction-I don’t care. Just get the hell out of the way.
If you’re upset because you’ve never seen Old Yeller, and now I’ve ruined it for you, I have only one thing to say: Rosebud was a sled.