We all want to give the perfect gift for Christmas. The gift that will brighten a child’s face. The gift that show thoughtfulness and caring. The type of gift that will result in moments that will be cherished forever.
Well that’s not going to happen because frankly, you’re a moron; the best you can hope for is to not screw things up too badly.
Since I’m practically an expert at screwing things up badly–I mean, I am shockingly good at it–I am going to assist you in what gifts not to give.
Don’t give your goth cousin a bottle of skin bronzer. Just because she’s a goth doesn’t mean her flesh will burst into flames if it’s exposed to real sunlight. It’s Holy water that does that.
Don’t give your still single aunt, a copy of Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein, because the only way she’ll find a man, is if she constructs one herself. She will not find it as amusing as you do.
Don’t give your girlfriend, and I cannot stress this too strongly, a self-help book of any kind. Especially if that book had the phrase “for dummies” in the title. Just don’t.
Don’t give the guy your cousin is dating, this book, when what he really needs is a swift kick in the butt.
Don’t give your aunt a jar of anti-wrinkle cream and bottle of wart remover. Regardless of how badly she needs them, the gifts won’t be appreciated, and the resulting scowl on her face will only intensify the wrinkles.
Don’t give your uncle, who likes to hunt, that bottle of scent-masking spray he’s been asking for. The first thing he’ll do is try it out, and nobody wants to sip eggnog while they sit next to someone who wreaks of deer urine.
Note: Your uncle generally wreaks of some type of urine, but that stuff is just obnoxious, and he wears it like it’s cologne.
Don’t give your uncle that book of vegetarian recipes; he’s just going to use it’s pages to start the fire he uses to roast the woodchuck he hit with his pickup truck.
Don’t get your vegan cousin that Chia Pet. It looks entirely too much like bean sprouts growing out of tofu, and eventually he’s going to try to eat it. He’ll be rushed to hospital, and your entire family will blame you.
Don’t get your aunt and uncle that home drug testing kit. While it may be applicable, your cousin carries a blade, and she will catch up to you.
Don’t get your wife a rat trap.
Note: I have no joke for this; one year my uncle bought my aunt a rat trap for Christmas. True story.
Don’t give anybody, anything that has Justin Bieber on it. Why: because it has Justin Bieber on it. Enough said.
Don’t get your boss this mug; he may not have a sense of humor about it.
And finally, don’t give your grandmother that DVD of Deliverance; home movies can be so tedious.
Good luck, you’re going to need it.