Experts tell us that hiccups are a myoclonus of the diaphragm, that results in an abrupt rush of air into the lungs. You get them when the vagus nerve, which runs from the brain to the abdomen, is irritated. They are most commonly the result of digestive disturbances.
Experts are full of it.
Hiccups are caused by tiny little gremlins that live in our bodies called corporal gremlins. They are mischievous little imps whose entire existence is dedicated to making our lives uncomfortable. They never make their presence overtly known. They never do anything that results in severe or permanent damage. What they specialise in, are irritations that cause us embarrassment or discomfort.
One of their favorite things to cause are hiccups. You have to give a presentation at work: hiccups. You approach that cute girl to ask her out: hiccups. You’ve just gone to bed because you have a busy day ahead you: hiccups.
There are several minor ailments caused by corporal gremlins, here are some of them:
- That enormous zit on your forehead, that you got right before your big date.
- That enormous zit on your forehead, that you got just before prom night.
- Zits in general.
- That irritating rash on the inside of your leg that itches like crazy, but is in that delicate place where you can’t publicly itch it without offending those around you.
- That inappropriate burp that causes you embarrassment. (During a eulogy, sitting in church, that brief moment of silence after that pastor asks,”if there is anyone here who objects to this union, let them speak now.”)
- Male pattern baldness.
- That hair-lip that your Aunt Martha is sporting.
- That time you went to the beach and suddenly developed explosive diarrhea.
- That long flight to the coast, when you suddenly developed explosive diarrhea.
- That time you were in that traffic jam and developed explosive diarrhea.
- Explosive diarrhea.
- That time you were holding Grandma’s birthday cake and suddenly had to sneeze; and it was mucousy.
- Erectile dysfunction. (There has been a great deal of debate about whether or not erectile dysfunction is caused by corporal gremlins. Many feel that is, I personally don’t share that belief. If you have erectile dysfunction, you’re just not a real man, own up to it.)
There are a lot people out there who will tell you that corporal gremlins don’t exist. People who think they’re special, because they’re doctors, or they’ve read books, or they’ve never been institutionalized. Don’t listen to them. The next you get hiccups, you’ll know: corporal gremlins.