Bulls are huge, powerfully built animals with menacing horns, devastating hooves, and an unflinching desire to be left alone.
Bull-riders, by comparison, are sweaty little cowboys who feel it’s heroic to climb onto the backs of bulls, regardless of how irritating it is to the bull.
Bulls have names like Destroyer, The Widow-Maker and The Castrator.
Bull-riders have names like Earl, Bucky, and that guy who used have testicles.
Bulls are simple animals, content to stand around and chew their cud, occasionally pausing to pee on the dirt.
Bull-riders are simple people, content to stand around and chew tobacco, occasionally pausing to pee on the dirt.
The only thing in which bulls truly revel, is inflicting life threatening injuries upon things that annoy them.
Bull-riders annoy them.
The fact is, the only things that bulls hate more than bull-riders are rodeo clowns and boy bands. (It should be noted that the entire animal kingdom hates boy bands, especially badgers.)
The sanctioned amount of time that a bull-rider must stay on the bull is eight seconds. It was found to be the amount of time it takes the average person to look up, do a double take, gape momentarily, then utter the phrase: “would you look at what that idiot over there is doing.”
First, the bull storms around in a state of agitation. A bull in a state of agitation, closely resembles any other creature in a crazy blind rage. Meanwhile the bull-rider is being thrashed about like a Ragedy Andy doll. The bull swiftly dislodges him, launching him through the air. He crashes to the ground, tumbles several feet and skids to a halt, displacing an impressive amount of manure filled dirt with his face. His teeth continue on for several more feet.
As the bull-rider staggers to his feet, dazed and unsure of what’s happening, the bull turns to face him.
The bull lowers its horns and beats its hooves at the dirt; a malevolent glint appears in his dark animal eyes.
As in any time of great crisis, men wearing make-up are called upon: the rodeo clowns are deployed. They dance around the bull, taunting and mocking it–evidently the bull is not angry enough yet–until they can lure the bull’s attention away from the bull-rider. Sensing that their efforts are falling short, they form a line and belt out an N’sync medley.
The bull becomes so confused with rage that it forgets why it’s angry and pees on the dirt. But only after it charges into the stands and fatally mauls Justin Timberlake, who just happened to be in attendance. The crowd cheers anyway.
The bull-rider is saved, the rodeo clowns are showered with cheers and adulation. It seems that all is well, until…a pack of frenzied badgers pour into the stadium and savagely attack the rodeo clowns. After several moments of shrill screams and wild chittering, the badgers flee as quickly as they appeared. The rodeo clowns lie on the ground, bloody and defeated, their painted on smiles betraying them.
Somewhere in the deep recesses of it’s mind, the bull feels a deep sense of satisfaction.