Reading is Fundamental, hurling feces not so much.
Reading informs you, it improves your memory, and it increases your analytical abilities.
Reading is like doing a big pile of mental squat thrusts, without the searing pain in your side and subsequent vomiting.
The ability to communicate through the written word is one of the significant ways in which humans are separated from the lower primates.
It ranks just ahead of our ability to remove unwanted body hair, and just behind our general reluctance to settle disputes by scrabbling up a tree and hurling our feces.
Note: I just wanted to point out that hurling feces can be a very effective tool in certain situations… I several cousins with uncanny accuracy.
Imagine some of the ways in which lacking the ability to read and write well, can be harmful:
* The traffic tickets pile up because you think the stop sign reads: floor it.
* The comic hilarity that is Marmaduke, is reduced to a bunch of confused scribbles about a clumsy dog.
* Instead of being vessels for whimsical Eastern wisdom, fortunes cookies are just bits of baked crap.
* Rather than informative advertisements, billboards are giant mocking reminders of your inability.
* The embarrassing visits to the emergency room because you misread the words “do not” in the warning on a can of Raid, which reads: Do not spray directly into face.
Did you know that Ken Edwards of Glossup, Derbyshire, England ate 36 cockroaches in one minute, to set the world record? Now you do, because you just read it.
Just moments ago, you probably had never heard of Ken Edwards of Glossup, Derbyshire, England. Now you possess a powerful bit of information.
How will this knowledge manifest itself for your benefit? Imagine you’re at a party and the following scenario unfolds:
You: Did you know that Ken Edwards of Glossup, Derbyshire, England, holds the record for eating cockroaches?
Attractive Woman: No I didn’t, but I find that fascinating.
You: Yes. He ate 36 of them in one minute.
Attractive Woman: Incredible. Would you like to have sex me?
You: I would indeed.
Attractive Woman: Say Glossup, Derbyshire again, it’s so sexy.
It’s not just important to read; what you read is of equal importance.
The novel: novels are essentially piles and piles of words endlessly strung together. Novelists are concerned with things like setting, theme, plot resolution, and character growth. Do friends become enemies? Do enemies become friends? Are obstacles overcome? Important questions need to be answered in novels. Does Captain Ahab’s obsession with the white whale drag him under? Does Edmund Dantes’ quest for revenge ruin his chance for happiness? Does Jay Gatsby reunite with his long-lost love? Does Sydney Carton seek redemption by going to the gallows for another? Does Lucy ever let Charlie Brown kick the football? (Sorry, I don’t know how that last one got in there.) Seriously, novels are just exhausting.
Note: the word dénouement is fun to say.
The short story: short stories are just novels for people with short attention spans.
Poetry: The key element of poetry that you need to recognize, is that if can even remotely understand it, it’s not proper poetry. When a poet writes about a leaf, being blown from a tree by the wind, he’s not really writing about a leaf, being blown from a tree by the wind. Everything represents something else.
The leaf represents his life, the wind represents the passing of time, and being blown from the tree represents death and wasted opportunity.
It’s all so confusing and depressing.
Note: this does not apply to limericks. Limericks are short humorous poems with a strict meter and rhyme scheme. They tend to revolve around an odd man from a small island off the coast of Massachusetts.
The humor blog: Humor blogs are bundles of invaluable information, and are unsurpassed in entertainment value.
They are written by people of high intelligence. Humor bloggers are witty and charming, the type of people you want to surround yourself with.
Humor blogs enrich your life, and give it meaning.
Most humor bloggers are attractive people; the rest are stunningly attractive people. Humor bloggers are well groomed and have breath that is perpetually minty fresh.
Humor bloggers seldom sweat.
Humor blogs are to be read, read again, memorized and repeated aloud in public.
So get to it.