Some Very Good Reasons You Should Start Smoking Today.
See how happy you could be.
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The plight of tobacco executives in our country.
With the combination of class action lawsuits and the implementation of restrictive legislation, the poor tobacco executives in our country have taken a terrible beating over the past several years. It has resulted in a precipitous tumble in their social standing; they have gone from being filthy stinking rich, to being only extremely well off. If we don’t take immediate action, where will it end?
The fate of our tobacco executives if we don’t take immediate action.
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The word emphysema is really fun to say.
It’s a word that just rolls off your tongue. Em-phy-se-ma: one syllable just flows into the next. Try saying it once. Try saying it several times in a row. Try saying it quickly. Try saying it quickly several times in a row (unless you have emphysema: you might pass out).
The great thing about emphysema is that once you have it, it never goes away. And emphysema will affect nearly every aspect of your life; so you will have no trouble working it into daily conversation:
- The doctor diagnosed me with emphysema.
- I’m taking this medicine for my emphysema.
- I’d love to play with my grandchildren more, but I can’t because of my emphysema.
- I climbed two flights of stairs and collapsed in a sweaty quivering mass due to my emphysema.
- I won at scrabble when I played the word emphysema. Thank goodness I can still play board games.
Not only will you have fun with the word emphysema, but so will your friends and family, long after you’re gone:
- What a nice funeral. I guess the doctor said he would have survived the pneumonia if hadn’t been for the emphysema.
- He certainly died young, but his quality of life wasn’t very good with the emphysema.
- Remember that time he coughed up a piece of lung and we all laughed for hours; crazy thing that emphysema.
In a twist of irony, you won a scrabble tournament playing the words, healthy alveoli.
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You need to know what they’re talking about.
You’ve seen them huddled together, enjoying their cigarettes, with their furtive glances and secretive whispers.
They’re outside of the bar, the restaurant, the bank. They’re outside any and every place of business. They assemble in the wind, the rain, and the snow. They assemble regardless of scorching heat or an F5 tornado. Nothing deters them.
What can they be talking about? It must be of incredible importance. They must be solving the puzzles of the universe.
You’ve tried approaching them, but without a cigarette in your hand, they just regard you with disdain and disgust.
It’s been eating at you; you need to know what they’re talking about.
Note: It’s a little known fact that Albert Einstein developed both special and general relativity, while huddled with a bunch of coworkers outside of a patent office, in a brutal German snowstorm.
“Get lost, we’re discussing important things. We’re discussing a possible cure for cancer or emphysema. Hey, emphysema, that’s fun to say.”
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To stick it to that know-it-all the Surgeon General
You’re a rebel and you don’t appreciate anybody telling you how to live your life. You certainly don’t need some preachy Surgeon General constantly yapping at you about lung cancer, heart disease, or 32 known carcinogens.
There are tons of dangerous activities out there that the Surgeon General has said absolutely nothing about:
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Poking yourself in the eye with a stick.
- Dropping a brick on your toes.
- Insulting the wife of a tatoo laden biker dude.
- Juggling knives.
- Attempting to re-attach your fingers with a sewing needle and some thread.
- Hitting yourself repeatedly in the face with a hammer.
Why don’t hammers come with an explicate warning from the Surgeon General; you don’t have to hit yourself in the face more than five or six times with a hammer, to do some real damage.
If we’re going to make any real changes, it’s up to all of you out there to light up and start puffing away.
I’d start smoking today if my jaw wasn’t wired shut.
I’m launching a lawsuit; those irresponsible executives at Black & Decker, need to learn.
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This was funny stuff… I am not ever going to quit smoking… until it kills me…
Mission accomplished.
ummm… I am still alive… I think… ahhhhhh
I see a future for you in public health…
At least I have a future in something.
Another very good reason: protection against air pollution. When you smoke, you build up a tolerance for all the shit your fellow citizens, most of them NON-smokers, by the way, are pouring into your face.
Being immune to air pollution can’t be a bad thing.
Congratulations. You’ve just handed the ad execs their new anti-smoking-because-we-care-about-this-shit campaign. Cheque is in the mail. Can’t wait to see this on Fox!
Don’t worry; nobody is paying any attention to me.
emmmm… now I’m having second thoughts… until a second ago though I was meant to light a cigarette :-/ [totally confused]….
Having a second thought means that you’ve had two more than I generally have.
Am I an idiot or are you just prufing me?
I would think neither.
One more excellent reason to start smoking: it handily deals with that inconvenient cash surplus that plagues so many of us. Just light it and watch it go up in smoke.
And you can incur some hefty fines if you smoke in the right places.
My father in law died of emphysema and he did manage to work it into every conversation!! Gosh it’s too bad you can’t get leprosy from cigarettes. That’s fun to say too. Did Albert Einstein die of emphysema? I sure enjoyed reading this. It really got me to thinking . . .
Einstein died from an aneurysm; another fun word to say.
Your post was at once humorous and cynical. That is a great combination.
Shakti
Thanks. I was going for sardonic, but I guess it was pretty cynical.
Very funny. As a smoker who has been struggling for years with this habit I think you have helped me.
Of course I tried to quite a few times, but I really missed my friends on the smoke deck…you would be surprised how much work can actually get done out there.
And thank you for the like on my blog as well.
Cheers!
Glad you enjoyed the post. Good luck stopping in the future.