Don’t Pee on the Electric Fence
Never had greater words of wisdom passed over human lips: Don’t pee on the electric fence.
Well, maybe not great words of wisdom, but to a bunch of young boys about to go ramming through a cow pasture on their way to the woods, they seemed like great words of wisdom. After all, he was an old guy, and old guys know stuff.
As it turned out, far more useful words of wisdom would have been: don’t pee close enough to the electric fence that your friends can shove you into it. Don’t trust your friends, another solid piece of advice.
They may not be words that hold the eloquence of the Gettysburg Address or the weight of Churchill’s address to a joint session of Congress upon the United States entrance into the war, but if you had ever been shoved penis first into an electric fence, you would appreciate their significance.
He also told us not to eat any mushrooms growing on cow crap. He was evidently unconcerned with the myriad of poisonous mushrooms growing everywhere else.
The point is: a few short words of wisdom can save a young man from a lot of misery. Words of wisdom such as:
- Regardless of how far your super-soaker sprays, you’re still too close to the hornet’s nest.
- You don’t want to discover the quantitative value for the phrase “mad as a hornet.”
- Regardless of how sturdy it seems, an umbrella is not an adequate substitute for a parachute.
- You can be lying in a crumpled heap, several bones broken, some of them relatively important, and the first thing any adult will think to ask is: “What in the world did you think would happen if you jumped off the roof?”
- You can be lying in a crumpled heap, several bones broken, some of them relatively important, and the second thing any adult will think to say is: “Look what you did to my umbrella?”
- Even though most varieties of snakes are not venomous, you still don’t want them to bite you.
- Convincing your cousin to let a snake bite him so that you find out whether or not it’s venomous, seems like a good idea, but it will really piss-off your aunt.
- Never utter the phrase “sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never harm me,” to someone who is in possession of sticks or stones. In the jungle that is playground justice, you will be whacked over the head with a stick.
- Do not ever, under any circumstance, ask a girl if she’s going to be as fat as her mother when she grows up.
- Definitely, don’t ask a girl if she’s going to be just as loud when she grows up, if she is holding sticks or stones.
- Don’t melt play-doh on the stove. (What seems like a scientific experiment to you, is just wanton destruction to your mother.)
- Ditto with crayons.
- Don’t purposely try to set off the smoke alarm just to see how loud it is. It’s loud.
- Thinking your mother won’t hear the smoke alarm because she’s in the shower, is a big mistake.
- And finally, don’t pee on the electric fence.