idiotprufs

Read by four out five drunken monkeys–written by the fifth.

Why Did You Tell Me That?

Bubbles from Trailer Park Boys, shares my astonishment.

It has recently come to my attention that I am a peon. I am what the government refers to as underemployed. Several weeks ago I took a position as a temporary employee at well known juice factory. Temporary employee is a polite way of saying peon. When you’re a temporary employee the following things happen:

  • You do peon work.
  • You’re talked to as if you’re a peon.
  • People explain things to you with Sesame Street level of instruction, to insure that your peon brain will understand.
  • You even get peed on. (Evidently the width of a standard urinal is not sufficient for containing the splatter of one particular employee.)
  • You work long and odd hours.

Another result of the long and odd hours I’ve worked, is that for the past several weeks I have virtually disappeared from the blogging world. The great irony of the situation being that my position as a peon, has provided me with grist for several posts.

So here goes:

His name was Bill, and I had just met him five minutes ago. I was my first day on the job, and I was helping him sort parts. We worked in silence for a few minutes before he turned to me and spoke the words that are now seared onto my brain, “Yeah. I’ve only got one testicle.”

He said it with stunning nonchalance, as if it was a normal way to start a conversation.

I gaped stupidly at him. I honestly didn’t know how to respond. It certainly wasn’t how I would choose to introduce myself to someone I had just met. I seldom feel the need to work my testicles into any conversation, at any time, whether I know the person or not.

He looked at me expectantly, as if he was waiting for me to say, “great, tell me more about your testicles, or lack of them, I’m keen to hear.”

Several possible responses flipped rapidly through my mind:

  • Was there an accident, or were you born a freak?
  • Left one or right one?
  • Does it make you walk in circles?
  • Great. Straight to the weirdest thing possible.
  • I think I’ll work on the other side of the room.
  • Oh. That’s why the guy called you One-balled Bill.
  • I really didn’t need to know that. Ever.

I said none of those things. I replied by saying the stupidest thing my peon brain could come up with: “I have two of them?” And yes, I said as a question. I’m still not certain why I felt confused about it, but I did. Pure Brilliance. Right?

He looked at me like I was an idiot. I felt like an idiot. There was that inevitable awkward silence that occurs when two men discuss their testicles for the first time.

“I was out working in my garage,” he began to tell me, unwavered by my idiocy, “when I thought to myself, this would be a good time to try out my new nail gun.”

I wish I could relate this story to you in detail, but I cannot. I have blotted most of it from my memory, in what I assume to be a subconscious act of self-defense.

I can write one thing with relative certitude: it was not a good time to try out his new nail gun.

I spent the remainder of the night with one overriding thought in my mind: please don’t offer to show me a scar.

Bill has only one.
image source: wpclipart.com

THE NEXT POST: The disturbing part of my conversation with Bill.

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38 thoughts on “Why Did You Tell Me That?

  1. You have interesting coworkers. But hey, it makes for a laugh.

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  2. Unfortunately far too many people have been reduced to peon work.

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  3. Glad to see you back. And though I’m sorry you’re treated like a peon, I can’t wait to read more of your stories. But how can anything top One-Testicle Bill?

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  4. Were those his first words to you overall?? I wonder what he’s like at cocktail parties. With that kind of opening line, I’m sure he’s reeeealllly popular.

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  5. Oh, I’m so sorry! You have a great sense of humor about it at least. I would probably steer clear of him, especially if you work near any sharp objects. :-)

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  6. Talk about an ice breaker! LOL Can’t wait to read the rest of this!

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  7. This sounds like the making of a great series of essays on peon work.

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  8. Wow…way to break the ice, huh. Thank goodness for weirdos though, they make for great posts. ;)

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  9. Yikes, good thing you’d just met. Who knows what he’ll tell you when he feels comfortable and relaxes around you…

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  10. That is just too funny. I love your reply. I know a young man, the son of my longtime friend, who lost one in a skiing accident. Still terrible, but sounds a little less awful than a nail gun incident. Let’s hear more please.

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  11. Reblogged this on igatherum and commented:
    Oh boy!

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  12. Totally funny. My husband HAD to know why I was laughing so hard. He still hasn’t stopped.
    I never figured peon work could be this funny :-) Loved it and cannot wait for the next post!

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  13. During the first day at one of my many crappy jobs, the girl who was supposed to be showing me what to do said, for no reason at all, ‘I am never not constipated’. We hadn’t even been discussing poo.

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  14. Pingback: Trailer Park Boys – I’ve Met Cats and Dogs Smarter Than Cory and Trevor « THE SCARECROW

  15. franv32 on said:

    You caught up with Bill lately?

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  16. You know, a Tom kat once said that to me…. He is now neutered….
    *(just sayin)* ♥

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