idiotprufs

Read by four out five drunken monkeys–written by the fifth.

The High School Guidance Counselor and Some Disturbing News

I’ve been reviewing your records.

Counselor: Well, it’s your senior year, and it’s about time that you started to think about your future, specifically in regards to a career. I’ve reviewed your transcript, gone over your aptitude test scores, and I have spoken with some of your teachers. I seem to be running into a bit of a problem.

You: What exactly is the problem?

Counselor: You’re qualified to do nothing and you’re irretrievably stupid.

You: That seems kind of harsh.

Counselor: I’m sorry. I suppose your entire life, your parents have told you that you’re smart and capable?

You: Of course they have.

Counselor: Well they’re full of it. I have never encountered anyone so ill-equipped to enter the workforce in all my years of being a guidance counselor, and this school is full of stupid kids. Sometimes in think there’s lead in the drinking water.

You: You’re exaggerating, I can’t be that hopeless.

Counselor: Am I? In mathematical aptitude, you answered correctly only 25% of the time.

You: One out three isn’t that bad.

Counselor: Exactly my point. In your English essay you seem to have confused Angie Dickinson with Emily Dickinson.

You: No I didn’t.

Counselor: Let’s see what it was that you wrote? Here it is: Emily Dickinson has a great rack, she was smoking hot in Big Bad Mama.

You: I don’t remember writing that.

Counselor: You have terrible memory skills.

You: That’s not fair.

Counselor: And a delusional perception of fairness.

You: But…

Counselor: You also have trouble completing a thought. Moving on to geography; you couldn’t find Chile on a map.

You: That can’t be that uncommon.

Counselor: It was a map of Chile.

You: I thought it meant the restaurant.

Counselor: You mean Chili’s, I doubt you could find your way through the children’s maze on their placemats.

You: Yes I can, I always use the green crayon.

Counselor: You seem to have absolutely no grasp of economics or government.

You: I know a little about government.

Counselor: You listed the three branches of government as strawberry, vanilla and chocolate.

You: Neapolitan government.

Counselor: You took a course on New York State history didn’t you?

You: Yes I did.

Counselor: Yes you did. You listed the state capitol as Albania. You claimed that the Erie Canal was named thusly, because it was “really spooky.” And you listed the first mayor of New York City as Babe Ruth.

You: It wasn’t Babe Ruth?

Counselor: No. It was Lou Gehrig.

You: Really?

Counselor: NO YOU MORON, it was Thomas Willett. This next one is especially perplexing: under state bird you put Bigfoot. I find that disturbing for at least fifteen different reasons. I’ve come up with four categories of jobs that I believe you could handle. They are as follows:

  1. Jobs requiring  a shovel: digging ditches, digging graves, digging holes in general, and whomping rats.
  2. Jobs requiring a pitchfork: moving piles of hay, moving piles of straw, joining angry mobs that are hunting down rogue monsters.
  3. Jobs requiring a shovel and a pitchfork: moving horse manure, moving cow manure, moving goat manure, basically moving any type of manure.
  4. Jersey Shore cast member.

You: I don’t know. I find that shovels and pitchforks are complicated and difficult to use, and tanning beds give me a rash.

Counselor: There is one other job. Would you be willing to scale steep cliffs and harvest honey, while angry bees sting you repeatedly?

You: Would Snooki be there?

Counselor: No. She most definitely would not.

You: Then I’ll do it.

Counselor: Welcome to the world of Himalayan Bee Keeping.

You: Is it close to home?

Counselor: With your map skills it is.

Snooki is nowhere in sight.
image source: stathconabeekeepers.blogspot.com

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28 thoughts on “The High School Guidance Counselor and Some Disturbing News

  1. I remember some of my high school teachers snickering as I was looking through some college catalogues I had with me. Got a BA, two MA’s and history teacher 33 years.

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    • New York State gave me a thousand dollars toward tuition because I scored high on the SAT’s, My English teacher told the class that I “got lucky” and didn’t really desrve it.

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  2. Pingback: The High School Guidance Counselor and Some Disturbing News « idiot-prufs « Living Life The Hard Way

  3. Hilarious! Sad also because so many kids are severely underestimated because they just don’t fit into that cookie cutter mold that traditional public schools try to mold everyone to. GREAT post! :D

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  4. Totally hilarious, and I’m afraid with more than a smidge of truth to it.

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  5. Hahaha, very clever. I swear some career guidance counsellors just WANT to find thick people, just so they can tell them that the only thing they’re suited for is to stand very still facing a wall FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES.

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  6. Haha, enjoyed reading this. Good one. ;)

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  7. Haha…oh, it hurts how true this is.

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  8. Funny! Thank you for a laugh on this hot afternoon.

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  9. Hilarious post! I have a teenage stepson that I hope and pray fairs better with his guidance counselor than the one in the story did. Thanks for the laugh!

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  10. When I got the results of my high-school aptitude test, they suggested potential careers as a boat builder or a funeral director. But I lied on some of the questions…

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  11. Haha! Why am I feeling a little de ja vu -ish? One out of three! HA! Very entertaining and funny!

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  12. HAHAHA!!!! THE PART WHERE HE SAYS JERSEY SHORE CAST MEMBER!!!! I PEEED MY PANTS!!!!!

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  13. Haha! I enjoyed your writing…and really appreciate the way you add humour in all your posts. Glad to have stopped by :)

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  14. Hello there! This post couldn’t be written much better! Reading through this article reminds me of my previous roommate! He continually kept talking about this. I most certainly will send this article to him. Fairly certain he’ll have a
    great read. Thanks for sharing!

    Like

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