So you need to find a job, but you have the following problems: you interview poorly because you have poor verbal skills, you get nervous in pressure filled situations, and most importantly, you’re hopelessly stupid.
You are sloppy and ill-mannered to the point that Larry the Cable Guy thinks you’re uncouth.
You give bad first, second, and third impressions; the fourth time people meet you they generally snap and attack with a stapler.
And you smell funny: like beets and goat urine.
So I’m going to aid you in your quest for employment with some helpful hints to get you through that daunting job interview.
Things you should not wear to a job interview:
- A belt buckle that reads: The Boss Sucks.
- Your “I’m too drunk to care” t-shirt.
- That shirt you own, that has a mustard stain, that looks like Jiminy Cricket.
- That shirt you own, that has a ketchup stain, that bears likeness to Donald Duck.
- Any shirt, with any stain, shaped like a Disney character or otherwise.
- Those bell-bottom pants that you’re so proud of.
- Your alligator boots. (This applies if you’re interviewing for a job with Peta.)
- Your lucky pair of pants. (They may be lucky, but the hole in the crotch isn’t doing you any favors.)
- Your fake eye patch. (Yes it makes you look cool, but don’t)
- Your Groucho Marx glasses. (Yes they’re hysterical, but don’t.)
Things not to do on a job interview:
- Turn every innocuous statement into a double entendre, by responding with the phrase: that’s what she said.
- Bring in Leonard, your pet lizard, because you think the interviewer might enjoy seeing how a lizard can devour an entire rat.
- Bring in Wilbur, your pet wombat, because you think the interviewer might be fascinated by how much a wombat can crap.
- Bad-mouth your previous employer, explaining to your interviewer, that he singled you out for beratement and unfair chastising.
- Describe your previous employer with phrases such as, weasel-faced penis, rat-fink, and tiny brained flea with matching genitals.
- Punctuate the tirade about your previous employer by saying, “of course, I was nailing his wife.”
- Nod toward a picture of your interviewer’s wife, give him a knowing wink, and ask him, “how’s that working out for you?”
- If your interviewer is a woman, don’t try to show her how clever you are by guessing her age and weight.
- Don’t ask her if she’s prematurely gray, or if she’s just dirt old.
- Don’t recommend a good wrinkle cream.
- Don’t recommend a good plastic surgeon.
- Under no circumstance should you ask your interviewer to “smell this.”
- Don’t demonstrate your conscientiousness, by pointing out that you’re waiting until after the interview to get stoned.
Note: The following is an actual conversation that I had with a man who was dropping off his resume at steel coating plant where I used to work:
Man: is there someone here that I can talk to about a job?
Me: The plant manager does the hiring, but he isn’t here today.
Man: So I can’t talk to anyone today?
Man: But I made sure not to get stoned today.
Me: That’s very conscientious of you; I’ll add a note to your resume.
Man: You make sure you do that.
That man wasn’t even considered for the position. Does honesty count for nothing anymore?
Now that you are armed with the knowledge you need, go out there and find gainful employment, or at least stop getting physically throw out of interviews by security.