Read by four out five drunken monkeys–written by the fifth.

Don’t Swing a Dead Weasle if You’re Not Going to Use It.

weasel / weapon
image source:

It is not a coincidence that no language in human history has ever coined the following phrase: ” as useful as a dead weasel.”

In fact, if you’re on your way to do something and you think to yourself, I could really use a dead weasel for this, you’re probably about to do something that falls somewhere between misdemeanor and felony. How many times on “Cops” has the arresting officer commented, “it would have only been a misdemeanor, but you were swinging a dead weasel.”

There are certainly a few times when a dead weasel can be useful, but most of those occasions involve hillbilly wedding rituals. (Your best-man toast should never involve a dead weasel in any capacity; it’s a mistake that will haunt you forever.)

A man in Hoquiam, Washington confronted the current boyfriend of an ex-girlfriend. Generally a bad idea.

He confronted him swinging a dead weasel. Always a bad idea.

“Why do you have a dead weasel?” the boyfriend asked him.

“It’s not a weasel, it’s a marten,” he replied. A small distinction but an important one.

He then punched the boyfriend in the nose and ran off. Begging the question: why in the world would you bother carrying a dead weasel to a confrontation if you’re not going to use it?

He was later tracked down and charged with assault and public idiocy.

When asked why he was carrying a dead weasel, he matter-of-factly replied, “what are you stupid, live weasels bite.”

In a weird twist, the authorities reported that it wasn’t a weasel or a marten, but a mink.

I don’t know if fur is murder, but it’s definitely felony assault.

The man was eventually acquitted. Evidently the prosecutors “failed to prove a link to the mink.” The prosecutors reportedly failed to do several other things that rhyme.

When asked if he had learned any valuable lessons, the man replied, “yeah, if you see something dead on the side of the road, leave it be.”

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13 thoughts on “Don’t Swing a Dead Weasle if You’re Not Going to Use It.

  1. I think I’m losing brain cells reading this stuff. And yet, here I am, back for more. At least I didn’t bring roadkill.


  2. This seems like a red herring to me. Now about red herrings…..


  3. Laughing. So. Hard! Can’t even type…


  4. I keep trying to “like” this and it won’t let me. So I’ll just tell you…good stuff!


  5. As distractions go, a twirling non-descript mammal carcass is quite an effective distraction; ‘Just what is that animal? And is it alive? And why is it -‘ WHAM.

    I remember hearing about a fella on the radio who wooed the ladyfolk by showing them a picture of a stoat with rigor mortis. And that isn’t a euphemism.


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