idiot-prufs

Striving every day to do least idiotic thing possible, generally failing.

Bieber Doll Beat Down

image source: wpclipart.com

An off duty police officer in Denver Colorado was recently arrested for allegedly assaulting his girlfriend. He claims that he was acting in self-defense, because he was fending off a vicious attack. He claims that his girlfriend was wielding a weapon.

What type of weapon would pose a threat so great to an off duty police officer, that it would necessitate assault against a woman?

  • A gun?
  • A knife?
  • A big stick?
  • A smaller stick with a sharp point?
  • A rolling-pin? (This applies mainly to Andy Capp’s wife.)
  • Mace, the medieval weapon?
  • Mace, the chemical irritant?
  • MACE, the Middleware Architecture Committee for Education, they seem like geeks, but they will rip you up.
  • A big rock?
  • A little rock, if you whip it really hard?
  • An arrow?
  • An arrow shot from a bow?
  • A bow tie? (Wasn’t there a Bond villain named Bowtie, who used bow ties as a weapon? Well, there should have been.)
  • A Ukulele? (You wouldn’t be smirking if you’d ever been hit with a ukulele.)
  • A Justin Bieber doll?

That’s right, she was wielding a Justin Bieber doll.

I imagine the interview between the arresting officer and his off duty colleague, went something like this:

Cop: she attacked you with a what now?

Suspect: you heard me.

Cop: I don’t think that I did.

Suspect: she attacked me with a Justin Bieber doll.

Cop: is “Justin Bieber doll” her pet name for a machete?

Suspect: no. She attacked with an actual Justin Bieber doll.

Cop: she was also wearing brass knuckles?

Suspect: she only attacked me with the doll. Look, I have little Bieber face imprints all over my body, it’s horrifying.

Cop: was the Justin Bieber doll constructed of lead?

Suspect:  no. It was just a regular Justin Bieber doll.

Cop: I don’t want to write that down.

I don’t know whether he was lying or not, but in the entire universe of possible explanations, is that the one that anyone would make up? Here’s a short list of things you could be attacked with, that bear less of a threat to your manhood:

  • He-man doll.
  • G.I. Joe doll.
  • Any Star Wars action figure. (Including Ewoks.)
  • Raggedy Andy doll.
  • Raggedy Ann doll.
  • Ken doll.
  • Barbie doll.
  • Career Day Barbie.
  • Beach-wear Barbie.
  • My Little Pony.
  • Mr. Potato Head.
  • Mrs. Potato Head.
  • Cabbage Patch Kids.
  • Cabbage.
  • Kids throwing cabbage.

Justin Bieber himself. (But don’t mess with Selena Gomez; she will put you away.)

deadly weapon
image source: wpclipart.com

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19 thoughts on “Bieber Doll Beat Down

  1. Yeah, I think I’d even prefer to get whacked by the “Tanorexic Mom” doll than a Bieber doll…(and yes, they really did make one…)

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  2. Remind me to carry one of those in my purse. You know, just in case I have to defend myself. If it scares an off-duty police officer that much, bad guys will just run home to their mommies at the mere sight of it, right?

    …Right…?

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  3. It wasn’t a doll; it was a Justin Bieber action figure. Some people (not me) get mad when an action figure is called a doll.

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  4. In the future, all wars will be fought using Justin Bieber dolls.

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  5. That’s hilarious. Are those things being recalled now for their hazardous use as weapons?

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  6. Oh no! Poor guy!
    I think I might replace my pepper spray with a Justin Bieber doll, they are obviously very effective

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  7. “Was “Justin Bieber doll a pet name for her machete?” HA! Where do you come up with these!?

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