Read by four out five drunken monkeys–written by the fifth.

Bieber Doll Beat Down

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An off duty police officer in Denver Colorado was recently arrested for allegedly assaulting his girlfriend. He claims that he was acting in self-defense, because he was fending off a vicious attack. He claims that his girlfriend was wielding a weapon.

What type of weapon would pose a threat so great to an off duty police officer, that it would necessitate assault against a woman?

  • A gun?
  • A knife?
  • A big stick?
  • A smaller stick with a sharp point?
  • A rolling-pin? (This applies mainly to Andy Capp’s wife.)
  • Mace, the medieval weapon?
  • Mace, the chemical irritant?
  • MACE, the Middleware Architecture Committee for Education, they seem like geeks, but they will rip you up.
  • A big rock?
  • A little rock, if you whip it really hard?
  • An arrow?
  • An arrow shot from a bow?
  • A bow tie? (Wasn’t there a Bond villain named Bowtie, who used bow ties as a weapon? Well, there should have been.)
  • A Ukulele? (You wouldn’t be smirking if you’d ever been hit with a ukulele.)
  • A Justin Bieber doll?

That’s right, she was wielding a Justin Bieber doll.

I imagine the interview between the arresting officer and his off duty colleague, went something like this:

Cop: she attacked you with a what now?

Suspect: you heard me.

Cop: I don’t think that I did.

Suspect: she attacked me with a Justin Bieber doll.

Cop: is “Justin Bieber doll” her pet name for a machete?

Suspect: no. She attacked with an actual Justin Bieber doll.

Cop: she was also wearing brass knuckles?

Suspect: she only attacked me with the doll. Look, I have little Bieber face imprints all over my body, it’s horrifying.

Cop: was the Justin Bieber doll constructed of lead?

Suspect:  no. It was just a regular Justin Bieber doll.

Cop: I don’t want to write that down.

I don’t know whether he was lying or not, but in the entire universe of possible explanations, is that the one that anyone would make up? Here’s a short list of things you could be attacked with, that bear less of a threat to your manhood:

  • He-man doll.
  • G.I. Joe doll.
  • Any Star Wars action figure. (Including Ewoks.)
  • Raggedy Andy doll.
  • Raggedy Ann doll.
  • Ken doll.
  • Barbie doll.
  • Career Day Barbie.
  • Beach-wear Barbie.
  • My Little Pony.
  • Mr. Potato Head.
  • Mrs. Potato Head.
  • Cabbage Patch Kids.
  • Cabbage.
  • Kids throwing cabbage.

Justin Bieber himself. (But don’t mess with Selena Gomez; she will put you away.)

deadly weapon
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19 thoughts on “Bieber Doll Beat Down

  1. Yeah, I think I’d even prefer to get whacked by the “Tanorexic Mom” doll than a Bieber doll…(and yes, they really did make one…)


  2. Remind me to carry one of those in my purse. You know, just in case I have to defend myself. If it scares an off-duty police officer that much, bad guys will just run home to their mommies at the mere sight of it, right?



  3. It wasn’t a doll; it was a Justin Bieber action figure. Some people (not me) get mad when an action figure is called a doll.


  4. In the future, all wars will be fought using Justin Bieber dolls.


  5. That’s hilarious. Are those things being recalled now for their hazardous use as weapons?


  6. Oh no! Poor guy!
    I think I might replace my pepper spray with a Justin Bieber doll, they are obviously very effective


  7. “Was “Justin Bieber doll a pet name for her machete?” HA! Where do you come up with these!?


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