Bieber Doll Beat Down
An off duty police officer in Denver Colorado was recently arrested for allegedly assaulting his girlfriend. He claims that he was acting in self-defense, because he was fending off a vicious attack. He claims that his girlfriend was wielding a weapon.
What type of weapon would pose a threat so great to an off duty police officer, that it would necessitate assault against a woman?
- A gun?
- A knife?
- A big stick?
- A smaller stick with a sharp point?
- A rolling-pin? (This applies mainly to Andy Capp’s wife.)
- Mace, the medieval weapon?
- Mace, the chemical irritant?
- MACE, the Middleware Architecture Committee for Education, they seem like geeks, but they will rip you up.
- A big rock?
- A little rock, if you whip it really hard?
- An arrow?
- An arrow shot from a bow?
- A bow tie? (Wasn’t there a Bond villain named Bowtie, who used bow ties as a weapon? Well, there should have been.)
- A Ukulele? (You wouldn’t be smirking if you’d ever been hit with a ukulele.)
- A Justin Bieber doll?
That’s right, she was wielding a Justin Bieber doll.
I imagine the interview between the arresting officer and his off duty colleague, went something like this:
Cop: she attacked you with a what now?
Suspect: you heard me.
Cop: I don’t think that I did.
Suspect: she attacked me with a Justin Bieber doll.
Cop: is “Justin Bieber doll” her pet name for a machete?
Suspect: no. She attacked with an actual Justin Bieber doll.
Cop: she was also wearing brass knuckles?
Suspect: she only attacked me with the doll. Look, I have little Bieber face imprints all over my body, it’s horrifying.
Cop: was the Justin Bieber doll constructed of lead?
Suspect: no. It was just a regular Justin Bieber doll.
Cop: I don’t want to write that down.
I don’t know whether he was lying or not, but in the entire universe of possible explanations, is that the one that anyone would make up? Here’s a short list of things you could be attacked with, that bear less of a threat to your manhood:
- He-man doll.
- G.I. Joe doll.
- Any Star Wars action figure. (Including Ewoks.)
- Raggedy Andy doll.
- Raggedy Ann doll.
- Ken doll.
- Barbie doll.
- Career Day Barbie.
- Beach-wear Barbie.
- My Little Pony.
- Mr. Potato Head.
- Mrs. Potato Head.
- Cabbage Patch Kids.
- Kids throwing cabbage.
Justin Bieber himself. (But don’t mess with Selena Gomez; she will put you away.)