idiot-prufs

Where’s My Heisman Trophy?

So it turns out that I’ve been nominated for the Liebster Blog Award by Jenn, who writes the blog Insert witticism Here… .

You can imagine my feelings as I read the words “You are a winner! You have just been awarded with the Liebster Blog Award.”

I hope that I can adequately describe to you the magnitude of emotion that swept over me as took in those words. In a nutshell: bitter disappointment.

It’s not that I don’t appreciate the recognition and the award. Jenn was one of the first people to follow my blog (of the literally dozens of you) and her’s was one of the first that I chose to follow. It’s just that, when I see the words “You are a winner” I’m certain they are to be followed by the words ”of the Heisman Trophy.”

Snubbed again.

Sure, I may not strictly meet the qualifications to win a Heisman Trophy: I don’t play football and I’m not a student, but when did the universities of our country become so rigid? They gave Doug Flutie a Heisman Trophy and he’s tiny. They gave O.J. Simpson a Heisman Trophy, do you think they’re proud to have that name on their list of recipients. They gave Reggie Bush a Heisman Trophy and then snatched it back a few years later. Where’s that Heisman Trophy now, I’ll take that one. (Evidently enticing a student athlete to your school by telling his mother: just find the giant pile of cash inside this brand new home and we’ll give your kid a scholarship, is against the rules.)

Note: in an unrelated matter, my letter writing campaign to persuade the NHL to put my name on the Stanley Cup continues to fail. There are over 2000 names on that thing but they can’t find room for mine. Scratch out a Gretzky, how many times does his name need to be on that thing?

All of this got me thinking about the many awards that I’m never going to win:

• The Flying Cross: I’m not a pilot.
• Father of the Year Award: I have no children.
• Purple Cross: I’m not in the military.
• Miss Argentina: even if I were to move to Argentina, become a citizen and have a sex change; I just don’t have the legs to pull it off.
• Nobel Peace Prize: do I really have to explain?
• Hugo Award: I haven’t written a shred a Science Fiction since I was in college. (In the category of wild coincidence: as I was typing the previous sentence, it came across the radio that Ray Bradbury has died. Ray Bradbury was one of my favorite authors when I growing up, he wrote the book ”Fahrenheit 451″ for which he won a Hugo Award.)
• The Stevie Award: I have no idea what this award is for.
• Pulitzer Prize: Dave Barry won a Pulitzer Prize, so a humor writer can win one. Let’s be honest, Dave Barry is crazy talented, I’m no Dave Barry.
• The Gigantic Awesome Blog Award: I just made this up and I still have no shot to win it.
• All awards everywhere.

Here’s the kicker: I still havent’ won the Liebster Blog Award. There are a few stipulations which I need fulfill. One of those stipulations is that I need to choose five bloggers with less than 200 followers, to whom I wish to forward this award. So I have a little homework to do, I’ll get back to you.

Note: If there is anyone from Montreal reading this, I know that Jean Beliveau’s name appears on the Stanley Cup 17 times, far more than Wayne Gretzky’s. Get over it, nobody south of Minnesota has ever heard of Jean Beliveau.