idiot-prufs

Literature and Minty Fresh Breath.

In my previous post I extolled the merits of reading. Quick recap: reading good, hurling your feces bad. Moving on.

I think that it’s important that you should know what to read and what not to read. Here’s a quick overview of various types of literature.

The novel: novels are essentially piles and piles of words endlessly strung together. Novelists are concerned with things like setting, theme, plot resolution, and character growth. Do friends become enemies? Do enemies become friends? Are obstacles overcome? Important questions need to be answered in novels. Does Captain Ahab’s obsession with the white whale drag him under? Does Edmund Dantes’ quest for revenge ruin his chance for happiness? Does Jay Gatsby reunite with his long lost love? Does Sydney Carton seek redemption by going to the gallows for another? Does Lucy ever let Charlie Brown kick the football? (sorry, I don’t know how that last one got in there.) Seriously, novels are just exhausting.

Note: the word denouement is fun to say.

The short story: novels for people with ADD.

Poetry: The first thing about poetry that you need to recognize is that if can even remotely understand it, it’s not proper poetry. When a poet writes about a leaf in a tree being blown by the wind, he’s not really writing about a leaf in a tree being blown by the wind. What the poet is actually writing about is his hatred for his alcoholic father. He’s writing about his own substance abuse and self-hatred. He’s writing about the bleakness of life and the impending spectre of death that awaits us all. The really great poets are also writing about their severe depression and suicidal tendencies. Poets are freakin’ depressing.

Note: this does not apply to limericks. Limericks are short humorous poems with a strict meter and rhyme scheme. They tend to revolve around an odd man from a small island off the coast of Massachusetts.

The humor blog: Humor blogs are written by people of high intelligence. These people tend to be witty and charming, the type of people you want to surround yourself with, the type of people that enrich your life. Most humor bloggers are attractive people, the rest are stunningly attractive people. Humor bloggers have breath that is perpetually minty fresh and they seldom sweat. Humor blogs are to be read, read again, memorized and repeated aloud in public.

So tell all your friends and get to work on it.