Rodeo Clowns, Boy Bands and a Few Things That Bulls Hate
Is that N’ Sync I hear?
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Bulls are huge, powerfully built animals with menacing horns, devastating hooves, and an unflinching desire to be left alone.
Bull-riders, by comparison, are sweaty little cowboys who feel it’s heroic to climb onto the backs of bulls, regardless of how irritating it is to the bull.
Bulls have names like Destroyer, The Widow-Maker and The Castrator.
Bull-riders have names like Earl, Bucky, and that guy who used have testicles.
Bulls are simple animals, content to stand around and chew their cud, occasionally pausing to pee on the dirt.
Bull-riders are simple people, content to stand around and chew tobacco, occasionally pausing to pee on the dirt.
The only thing in which bulls truly revel, is inflicting life threatening injuries upon things that annoy them.
Bull-riders annoy them.
The fact is, the only things that bulls hate more than bull-riders are rodeo clowns and boy bands. (It should be noted that the entire animal kingdom hates boy bands, especially badgers.)
The sanctioned amount of time that a bull-rider must stay on the bull is eight seconds. It was found to be the amount of time it takes the average person to look up, do a double take, gape momentarily, then utter the phrase: “would you look at what that idiot over there is doing.”
First, the bull storms around in a state of agitation that could be conservatively described as: a crazy blind rage. Meanwhile the bull-rider is being thrashed about like a leaf in a hurricane. He is swiftly dislodged, tumbling to the ground and skidding to a halt, displacing an impressive amount of manure filled dirt with his face. (His teeth continue on for several more feet.)
As the bull-rider staggers to his feet, dazed and unsure of what’s happening, the bull turns to face him.
The bull lowers its horns and beats its hooves at the dirt; a malevolent glint appears in his dark animal eyes.
As in any time of great crisis, men wearing make-up are called upon: the rodeo clowns are deployed. They dance around the bull, taunting and mocking it–evidently the bull is not angry enough yet–until they can lure the bull’s attention away from the bull-rider. Sensing that their efforts are falling short, they form a line and belt out an N’sync medley.
The bull becomes so confused with rage that it forgets why it’s angry and goes back to chewing its cud.
The bull-rider is saved, the rodeo clowns are showered with cheers and adulation. It seems that all is well, until…a pack of frenzied badgers pour into the stadium and savagely attack the rodeo clowns. After several moments of shrill screams and wild chittering, the badgers flee as quickly as they appeared. The rodeo clowns lie on the ground, bloody and defeated, their painted on smiles betraying them.
Somewhere in the deep recesses of its mind, the bull feels a sense of satisfaction.
Haha, I love the comparison of the names of bulls to riders. So true.
Thank you much, I know someone who has ridden bulls, but his name isn’t Bucky or Earl and he still has both testicles…I’m guessing; he has a very deep voice.
I count that as a double way win.
The list of things that can turn 2000 pounds of enraged steak into a sympathetic character is pretty short. I think you’ve hit it…rodeo clowns and boy bands.
Bulls also hate mimes.
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There’s nothing I like more than when the bull wins.
I love a happy ending!
Not for the rodeo clowns.
Thanks for passing by and the like
Likewise.
First of all, I’m glad you liked my congress post on Paper, Mud and Me. Loved this Bull bit and the Physically fit post. I will be following.
I love humorous lists and will definitely be coming back to your blog. Thanks for the support.
I like it when a cowboy is riding along on a bucking bull – flopping hither and fro – until, by just the right coincidence of physics, he is cast forward face first at the same time that the bull is throwing it’s 300 pound skull backward and the two collide like a bowling ball hitting pins which scatter wildly. When you watch the slow motion replay a dozen times over the next three minutes you can actually see his face bones give way as his entire head flattens down to about 2.25″ in width.
Then after about a year of continuous facial reconstruction operations you see him in a television interview, with his front 18 teeth missing, saying, “Em ffeelnn e lutt brtr naw nd aI’m plnnen unn getten bck ta rydden rill suun.”
Bull riding is nothing but an application for a Darwin Award.
I just wanted to write a post where rodeo clowns get attacked by badgers.
Reblogged this on The Amateur Astrophysicist and commented:
Everyone should get to know this writer. He is gifted with a wit that is both rare and – random.
No. You’re right. There’s nothing like a story about a good badger mauling to brighten one’s day. Especially if it happens to people who obnoxiously paint their faces and jump around crazily and cause children to have nightmares (until they reach age 40 and have the courage to seek professional help, and then they have to take powerful drugs to help them get a good nights sleep, and more drugs to help them with their daily social interactions, then they become addicted to drugs and start stealing to support their habit until, finally, their family ostracizes them and casts them out on the street – the victims of tough love….)
Whew, … sorry, dude, …. flashback.
Hey, everybody gets them, right?
Not everybody.
You have to watch out for those badgers.
Only if your humming the wrong tune.
It’s always been my dream to viciously maul a boy band in mid-snivel. Do you suppose the badgers have any openings available? I don’t look much like a badger, but I’m pretty sure I’ve successfully emulated a wolverine on occasion…
Wolverines are acceptable, all of the animal kingdom hates boy bands.