Guilio Cesare Fava, the mayor of a Falciano Del Massico, a small town in southern Italy, has recently forbidden his residents to die. It seems there is no room in the cemetery, therefore all residents have been ordered by official edict, to refrain from entering the afterlife until the proper permits can be obtained and provisions made for a new resting place.
What have I been missing? Has the title of mayor of a small town, always held such sway over nature and the will of man?
Do the mayors of small towns everywhere wield this type of power or is it only in countries shaped like footwear?
Myself, I live in a small town about the size of Falciano Del Massico. I began to think about the changes I could make in my small town if I were to hold such a level of power.
Here is a short list of some of the changes that will immediately be implemented upon my acquisition of power:
* Under no circumstance, will any resident use the phrase okie-dokie.
* The practice of turning every innocuous phrase into a double-entendre, by punctuating it with, “that’s what she said,” will stop immediately.
* You will come to grips with the fact that garden gnomes are not evil creatures of the night and they don’t come to life when no-one is looking.
* You will not sneak into your neighbor’s yard and smash his garden gnomes with a shovel.
* You will stop smashing things with a shovel.
* The act of derisively commenting, ”Alex Trebek wouldn’t be so smug, if he didn’t have all the answers,” every single time you watch Jeopardy, will be forbidden.
* Anyone caught driving slowly in the passing lane, will be compelled to write a 5000 word essay entitled: The Reasons Why I am a Horrible Driver.
* All skateboarding activity will be immediately forbidden…just because.
* Anyone caught skateboarding will be severely beaten with a Justin Bieber doll.
* You will not sneak into your neighbor’s yard and urinate on his rose bushes to avenge the untimely death of Willard, your garden gnome. (It may, however, be permissible to sneak into your neighbor’s yard and urinate on his rose bushes, because it’s just fun to do.)
* You will not name your garden gnome Willard.
* You will not drive around town in a pickup truck with bullet hole decals and grill guard that reads, Dirty Harry.
*You will not drive around town in a pickup truck with bullet hole decals and a grill guard that reads, Dirty Harry, while honking a horn that plays Dixie, when you’ve never lived outside of western New York, one day of your life.
* Anyone who sees you directly after you’ve had a haircut and asks the following question: did you have your hair cut or did you have your ears lowered, will be forcibly taken to a plastic surgeon to have his/her ears lowered.
* You will not impede the progress of the express lane at the supermarket, by arguing over the validity of a five cent coupon for tooth-paste. It’s past it’s expiration date, deal with it. Violators will be compelled to write the definition of the word express in every known language. Even Klingon.
* You will not waste a second of time, making pointless and useless lists.
Falciano Del Massico update: It seems that some of the residents of Falciano Del Massico have chosen to violate the mayors edict. They have been placed into a wooden box and buried in the ground. The punishment seems harsh, but law and order must be maintained.